i feel so crippled and burdened.....i have faced a lot of setbacks, u know its not just u....if u really know what happened in my life, u will know that it sucks....
i am trying not to let the bad memories, or the bad past haunt me....i am trying in a desperate bid to wipe it all away.....
the good memories are there to stay.....
2013 sucks....yea, it does....i hate turning older, and knowing that my celebration is non-descript at best.....
maybe when the french test answers come out, i may feel happier or get more depressed.....
well, i seriously do not blame her anymore....anyway, i never helped her, why should i expect her to be my partner for oral conversation?
i don't give a shit, don't talk to me.....
i have to carry the bullshit of whatever i faced.....
if i want to start anew, join showbiz, i know the jeers and the criticism will never be far behind....when can i escape from this?
and i don't want anybody to just say stuff about me, just because they can....i hate it seriously....
cause' i am not the person u thought i was.....
i am just a person with my own mind and thoughts.....whether i am incompetent
or ugly is none of your business...
as long as we are not together......
and u don't have to put up with me.....
yea,a restaurant asked me to come back and work....
mentioned it a lot of times already....
but i feel that i cannot be competent.....i cannot keep up......so what if my pay increases?
the job becomes more difficult.....
thats it, i am going to sing my heart out, and all u can do is judge my singing, nothing else.
i am thankful for those who are helpful n have helped me, but i don't want to be weak n i want to have a fighting chance.....somehow, i just want to start anew, for all the things i have done wrong....
today, i declare that i am fucking stressed again!!!! i know that my chances of failing an essay are like, zero....to 1% at most......totally cannot remember failing any english writing comprehension test in sec school? maybe i did. maybe i didn't....but the chances are so sporadic.....and yes, it is very painful to write long essays, but somehow i always survive.....
in poly, i got consistent As for essay writing.....for business comm....
and usually in sec school, i got A for oral......
but now, this diploma, is totally a pain in the ass, given that it does not have to do with creative writing....
u may get the writer's block, but u can always crap something out if you are good.
all modules sucky.....
for people, its the opposite. they may end up taking french 101 as a compulsory module....okay, maybe its speaking, thats why they have problems....
i LITERALLY breezed through 101.....
okay, let me look objectively at my tests:
okay, for dss, maybe i didn't type fast enough, and my concepts weren't that good.
but at least, i managed to save myself a bit here and there.....
i can do a good portion of the qns.....
wasted marks....wtf....when i realised, i could do better. i didn't hand in a blank piece. majority was filled up, save for some things that i didn't know.....
and the computer had some weird problems.....
french 102 test 1 was like...erm.....
for the listening part, i totally could not catch it....but filled in whatever crap i could fill in.....
hopefully i pass my oral...i wasn't speechless, i could talk in sentences, but it was kind of choppy, not very fluent and i didn't pronounce well....cause' my mum scolded me and said that i am dylexic.....
anyway, my tongue is really stiff.
for essay, i wrote slightly more than 100 words, which was the requirement....and it seemed pretty smooth......
for the fill-in-the blanks.....hopefully, i get about half to majority to full marks.....
i am confident for section 1.at least half to majority....
not sure about section 2 and 3......but i think its about half to majority.....
omg, i realised i should have done better for the oral.....
but if i have a borderline fail, maybe i will continue.
in any case, if the marks cannot be recovered, to ensure a pass, then maybe i will just give up...lol, the teacher said try harder. and she said that i cannot have the ''i don't care attitude''.....
but i don't enjoy poly life seriously....
french is fun when u know what to do and what to expect.....
but i guess the lecturers may actually help u if u are willing.....
omg, i think i saw lovelorn guy on the train today....
with tattoos snaking across his chest and down his leg.....
i think tattoos are cool, but he does not feel like the same person anymore....
well, u will never really know a person......
for tax, i did not leave blanks or feel that i could not do anything....
just filled in whatever i could.....
just hope its right......omg, but i put ''less'' reliefs for example....and i did deduct the reliefs, but i never put brackets....and due to lack of time, my workings were not concise, answers correct, supposedly.....and i just wrote tax exempt and drew an arrow snaking across the paper.....its fucking saddening....that poly feels stressful for me......
that means that i cannot handle anything....wtf.
what the hell...
without fail, i always feel like i am going to pop.
when an exam paper for tax is easy, people will tend to do better than me.....
but i guess, when the paper for chinese was really easy, i scored the highest in class.....and broke my record, at 62/70 marks....
relieve the terrible old days mixed with good ol' memories.....
it is not about the number of commitments i have, or how much workload.....the thing is, i am in this downward spiral, i am falling and going down....soon, i will be nothing.....and i will just be less academically driven or inclined......because the underlying issues weren't resolved in the first place....
my mind is bent on revenge and hatred all the time.....
otherwise on how ben ben sees me now.....
i wonder if the ``no, we cannot reveal your marks....``in response to did i fail.....means that i failed.....? or i was safe?nb cb...pure betrayal....a supposed friend decided to pair up with someone else and left me alone...well, now, i am the betrayer now....i realised i missed her calls and sms.....oh well, a lot of people complained that the test was tough.....and listening comprehension=can barely hear a thing.....
the damn oral was to help us pass, but the teacher is so anally strict with oral......and this girl kept saying that i should say.....``ah`` as an affirmation at certain parts......
seriously.....nb cb....if i don`t pass this module, my damn mum has something to say about me....lousy useless weak stupid etc.
wtf....dirty linen out to dry again....
and ben ben must be laughing at me, nonetheless....
i hope i can secure full marks for essay and writing, so i don`t have to bother about the writing....fine, i am weak and stupid, and i concede defeat easily.....
so, let`s say i can never cope with extra commitments on top on basic diploma, but even so, i have absolutely no interest in the modules for the diploma.....and i absolutely feel there is no effect.
because i didn`t study for it, except for a few sneak peeks and a revision hours before it....
bitch, nb cb....bitching again......
now i understand how some people feel....when they are so self-absorbed and narcissistic.....
so i am dylexic? and discalculia and all other problems.....
i don't belong....i feel that i don't belong to any race, religion, or educational institution........i figure out, maybe if i failed marginally for the oral part, and failed marginally for the other component, i still can make up for it...but the stakes are fucking high......i mean its not 5% or 10% or 20%, its 40% for fuck's sake.....yea well, the results will not be revealed, thats what she said....
but nxt wk, probably all will be clear, at least i hope so, or else i am going to the module leader and stuff....at first the teacher said that i should pass......then now, its uncertainty and uncertainty.....have to work on familiarising and the thing is, my pronunciation is very bad, barely audible....normally, i would scrape through....but if it is too strict? there is no way around this one....if i fail the next test, i fail. if i pass, i pass. if i pass this one, i pass.
if i get to the next level, then i will just continue. if not, then i have to accept it...when u meet bitchy people, it makes u wish that u could have gone to france.....and at least have an opportunity to skip levels......maybe if i really fail, but i realise that i can pass, maybe i have to retake it and go to france to improve it in an expedited manner.....
and i thought by contributing more to one project, i may receive a lot more assistance for the other project.....maybe i did receive assistance, maybe it wasn't enough.....
and the thing which is making life miserable is: don't talk about people since u don't even bother to get to know them.....
i really have no mood to do any tutorials.....
oh, and i am not surprised....of course someone like benben would not bother to understand....he has his own problems....and i am just a joke, so of course, i would not even fall for his trap.....all i want is a carefree and happy life...enough to eat, a roof over my head etc. minus all those problems.......being with someone who understands u.....i'm tired of fighting life's battles....i really am...and i don't want to hear any of those bullshit.....either life gets better or it does....
and i decided that i was fucking sick and tired of smiling.
i don't have to say "its okay, its alright"....whenever something goes wrong.....
why do i have to even be nice to u, when u badmouthed me.....
then after that, something happened, and u act all nice and apologise, well, whether apology accepted is one thing, but another thing is, don't act all warm and fuzzy around me.
i am not buying it.....
and i certainly do not have to respond to u....
because we are technically non-friends, and u are either someone who asked me what would be tested for a module, acted friendly, then badmouthed me after that....or u are someone whom i don't even know, but i see in school, and u decided ''what's up with that girl,yo! i am gonna dig up some good shit...."......
sometimes, ending ur life when nothing goes right seems like the solution....however, its just escapism from reality....it is cowardish....and its painful....very painful......non-painful ways are banned from ''healthy,non-suffering'' human beings.....
i don't think i need to put up an act, plaster a fake smile on my face if u are a fake friend, and u pretend to friend me to get something, and badmouth me.......nobody enjoys this kind of nonsense....so get a life....admit it: u wanted tips for last sem's module....on what would be tested on or something.....or whether case law would be needed.......or u wanted to add me on fb for some silly reason, without even talking 10 sentences to me.
obviously, all my parents see are the problems caused by me.....but they never saw that it took a catalyst to set me on this vengeful path.....
oh well.
ben ben was hearing every single motherfucking word.
seriously.....thats why i thought a particular person and i was so compatible....but feelings are not mutual.....cause' the person is too horny.....always complaining about life, parents etc.....
you left me, walked out of my life.....but this is another reminder for me, that friendships are indeed important, however, friends come and go, and i think i don`t make it a dominant part of my life.....you left me, however, i am not broken or vulnerable.....we were looking for different things, u were looking for romance, i was looking for company.....it didn`t work out......and u will have great prospects with engineering and ur future gf......i wish u well....if u happen to read this anyway....
i don`t know if i will make it through today`s french test. i keep regurgitating the material and memorising it, but i fail to show some creativity by forming my own sentences......
and maybe, for the conversational part, it is going to be a huge pain in the ass, i bet.......how am i even going to ask proper qns? and i guess i am lost in a vastless sea.....i think i know the vocab and stuff.....but making a full convo?
keeping my fingers crossed.
nothing matters to me anymore.
i bet, ben ben aka lovelorn boy has moved on already.....its a too long time to keep hanging on....no matter what happens, life goes on.
homework to complete....arrgh. deadlines.
going on a holiday arnd 20 dec........hmm, maybe i will see lovelorn boy? i really don't know....
when he left me, i think i met some jerks.....and i really feel like stereotyping people from all educational pathways.....teenagers can be more horny than adults, more capable of violence, teachers can be perverts, people in rl can be worse than people online.....this is a crazy world...school can be a battlefield.....sometimes, i realise, i could just retailate, but i may end up inflicting greater hurt on my bullies than they ever inflicted on me, and they may end up lying in a grave....
really nice mariah carey song playing right now....don't know the title of the song......is the song titled ''the one?''
so many words unspoken between us.....i had so many things which i wanted to say, so many things that i didn't think of....now, they are all lost in the depths of my mind.....i have nothing to say, because i forgot what i wanted to say already.....its a crazy thing.....i cannot be convinced that teenage love exists......its like a crazy miracle, watching this twilight thing.....
what i really wanna do is let my hair down, let loose, have fun.....at the lan cafe and games arcade.....n maybe let nature take its course....rekindle friendships or romance or whatever....
ps.i was an A cup when i was 13....how can i stay in a constant influx?
so, no matter what, idiots do not know anything.....they know nothing at all....they don't know C70 is smaller than C80 by a lot of times.......they hardly know what is low profile, medium profile, and high profile....and i cannot be bothered with them, seriously......omg, i realise the frequency of seeing ben ben gets lesser and lesser!!!!he must have given up....
and i cannot stand it.....when people try to befriend u.....but religion again.....i find it very hard to accept for now....maybe when my life feels more ''stable'' and ''certain'' then i will go and seek my own destiny and religion....
hiaz.....its a crazy cycle-->indigestion-->tummy bloat-->eat less-->figure cmi
good cycle-->digestion-->no tummy bloat-->eat more-->nice figure....
fuck it. the person u see right now is not hardworking hard-core mugger girl, or goody-2-shoes....
but i really wish that someone would be there to say that i am the hard-core mugger jc type, or the project work and hands-on girl...and that person should not be my mum....i wish there is a fortune teller to predict my future...because people who choose JC or poly may be doing well or doing badly....and the tables can be turned and the cards flipped...question: but are u able to do that? make the odds in your favour?...but there is always this 3 years MI option, which was suggested.....in that case, i rather go to poly.....cause` in poly, they say its damn slack, only if u aim to pass.....if u aim to get A, it is fucking hard.....depends on peer appraisal, and grades are fucking unpredictible, like the stock market.
every test counts....no last min-adrenaline rush......u have to get borderline As for all ur tests to get A for just one module....or a FULL OUT A to cover up those Bs and Cs....i don't know why i even publicise my blog....so that he would understand maybe? but how did a fling become a one year wait? he said he would not intro me to his parents.....and obviously, he has changed again, like the changing tides of the storms and winds and waves.....said that he would not curse or swear......ever again? back to cursing and swearing....plus a lot of horrid stuff....
ps. a friend/acquaintance/some random person whom i cannot remember said that his/her friend appealed to nyjc and got in.......but what's the point seriously?
if you cannot peform?
and i am still complaining about the 2 hour breaks.......and as usual, the long journey from home to school.....not because of anything, but it is hardly-productive....if the time was well-spent on productive things, i would not complain....no time for shopping.
no resources for studying....so noisy, even in the library....and it is sickening, because for people in their respective industries, they would boast about how good it is/rant about how bad it is.....if u boast about ur industry, and another person says ur industry is bad, and vice versa, who to believe? posting a fucking rosy picture of the school all the time....whenever there is an open-house for any school. for fuck's sake....ooh, study and play, oh, good facilities.....the only really happy people are the people who got what they really want......no blindfolds, no deception....pure passion and dedication for their job....but if u are a celebrity and u loathe ur job, pls get the fuck out of this industry....so many people wanna become celebrities....because if u excel, the money is good....but behind the scenes, there is bitching and backstabbing, and all sorts of sexual stuff....and the unwanted attention. but please, u do it for the money all the time. people would do anything for money....
some people are so anal, they delete u as friends at the slightest instigation. maybe when u swear, and curse and make angsty posts, and u are obviously not talking about them....
and all they preach is about being good, and everything nice...
if they think you are not worth keeping as a friend, then they are not worth your friendship.
life is a series of what-ifs.....i really have got to stop feeling sorry for myself......stuck in a rut all the time, stuck with my emotional conundrums......
i guess, i am 2 points away from nanyang jc....maybe just 2 points and i will just meet the cut-off....and although i keep saying that i will never go to a jc, and be a goody-2-shoes ever again, that thought never eludes my mind, that is, the series of what-ifs.......anyway, no matter what i say, i think its the bomb.....i know i will never match up to my uni-degree parents......and my aunt said that back then, nanyang jc was kind of easier to enter.....i wonder if there are other cases of uni-degree parents and children/a child who won't match up.....i decided that i do not want to be the goody-two shoes i was in the past......my mum is plain silly to think that academic focus had neglected my character development. plain wrong......
and i had some trauma to the ''ahem'' when i was 11-12, so thats why i keep wondering if my figure is weird, is it ok and stuff like that......i wonder if i eat properly, or if my genetics are not fucked up, would i have a anime or barbie figure? seriously, nobody will want to do anything of that nature to me.....so, its stupid, that late night thing.....
and i keep thinking that naomi neo has the ideal figure.....she may complain and everything, but c'mon!
and some idiot asshole keeps messaging me despite my repeated attempts to shoo him away.......he deleted me from his friend list, still messaged me to grouch about his greviances. gosh, i have people like that.
my english is super-atrocious.....and it gets worse everyday.....and i know language is an exposure thing+talent+self-acquisition....+practice or tuition and stuff.....but one opportunity i will miss, is to improve my english and chinese standard. my english and chinese standard will fall below people who are in JC and TALENTED in languages.......noted, some jc people may not have a good command of the languages......i may not have a good command either. but i don't have the opportunity to increase my proficiency of english and chinese.....no wait, i do. but the difference is, if i am studying for the exams, the pressure to increase my proficiency will be greater......so technically, my english and chinese will always be stuck at o level standard.....it will never be the same as jc peeps. cause', how do i know what they learn in jc? i may improve my english standard and chinese standard, but its not the same thing.
and so many projects....and a different kind of busy.......always continous assessments all the time....small tests at 5% which add up. if i focus too much on these, i will get a burnout in no time....the whole system is stupid.....
and the finding a bf in real-life thing, probably relates to xiaxue.....if i say i cannot find a bf in real-life, its not the truth, and it will certainly anger some people, as well as make some people think, hmm, its the truth......
but the mutual attraction thing never worked for me.....because, u may like someone, someone does not like u back, and vice versa.
ps. i thought as i opened up, i found the mutual attraction thing in poly.....as i made more friends and stuff.....
i feel very embarassed to be single sometimes....when a lot of people are going out on dates....but when i date, i feel very stifled by any form of commitment.....
so, the attraction came in the form of lovelorn guy.......i feel the whole thing is shit.......
and i am getting tummy fats and all mum can do is talk about it.....may consider liposuction......
and i have evaded all the shitty guys for now, so there is this guy who told me to flaunt my figure.....or lack thereof......
but i still pity myself....sadly, for not being smart enough, pretty enough, having a nice figure, having enough friends, and having so many suitors who i am interested in......not happy with life, and constantly wishing for more......
cannot stop buying winter clothing either....and i better print the damn thing!!!!!!
fuck u....i wanna leave this house.....and stay at some other place, at the park or a hotel or a chalet....for fun......i feel so trapped and stifled and i feel like a baby...technically, since i am older, i should be ''mature'', yeah right....
but the kind of maturity i am looking for is in the form of getting more tattoos, piercings, being of legal age to drink, and spending the night outside......
fuck u for belitting me and thinking so little of me....
the best is that i don't get a diploma....since, u keep saying insulting things about me.....
i rather do waitressing, or work in the f&b industry right away, and show that i am fully capable and independent, and i can support myself...FUCK U.
u always think that i cannot do an IT diploma, because i am not inclined, and i may fail out all my modules....fair enough, but i am sick of blindly following trends.....why should i follow the conventional way? why should i take maths, science, english, chinese at the psle just because i am supposed to? why i can't take other subjects?
why i can't do things which goes against the societal norms?
a part of me would like to see lovelorn guy, but he bitched about me i bet......and this time, its not about romance.......for a person who likes fuck buddies, what do u expect?
i always hoped that if i never got to achieve my dreams, at the very least is, people will see on my fb profile: popular girl with pictures taken together with big groups of friends, pretty, and people thinks that she must be a smart-ass.....etc.
i am a frivolous air-head......but nb cb. i had enough. i am not going to let people make my reputation, i am supposed to make my own reputation. why should i be dictated by insignificant people who think that my reputation is based solely on what they say? stupid, ugly, figureless or any negative traits amplified by them?
i rather be sexy but sleazy, smart but arrogant, pretty and narcisstic even if they are negative traits, because they are not demeaning to oneself, or humiliating....instead it is a form of flattery,albeit in a twisted negative way....i rather be known as rebellious teen, angsty teen, drinking teen etc.
pesky idiots who think name calling and reputation making is so fun......tests coming up again, and i don't know how....surely i must settle assignments and project work before preparing for my tests.....
and c'mon, shut-up please.....i don't want to hear about ur pursuits in the world of acting, u alrdy got a degree, i have nothing.
i should be the one yearning to pursue showbiz, that would be quite an achievement in lieu of a degree....shit u. BECAUSE, TO U A DEGREE, IS THE MAGUS OPUS....THE PINNACLE, THE PRIME.THE STATUS SYMBOL WHERE U HAVE ARRIVED.
i HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING TO MY NAME. NO MONEY, NOTHING.
so, i will keep on striving, for a chance in the showbiz world if there are no negative impacts. i will join a singing competition, a very small-scale one in a cc, and hope that my voice does not betray me.....
and for those who are failing in sec school, they may have made a comeback and surprisingly done well in o levels....whereas, for polytechnic life, cumulative gpa means u can't possibly reverse what u have done.....
people who do badly have an option to go overseas.
i never had any options in my life, period.
and i am sick of hi-bye friends....seriously will stop entertaining those people, unless they bother to even make small-talk. otherwise, its akin to talking to a stranger.......i thought, if i had nothing,at least if i had a good figure....but some retard made a really rude and depreciating comment about my figure...and i am a dumbass to actually believe what he said.....i only want to believe the good stuff, but fail miserably.....
and what the fuck?
people are alrdy at the stage of i break up and move on, but i alrdy had a good r/s with u...alrdy for a few years.
or at the stage of, i meet ur parents, u meet my parents, and guess what? we even go to each others' relative houses.
but where i am? countless flings and very short-lived r/s.....
and mum is still like focus on your studies.....what gives?
u can date, no wait, don't date. wait, date.....don't get distracted.
yea, go uni find stead.
then if don't go uni, then how?
and i have lost interest in dating by then.
and some dating agency or matchmaking agency by then?
yucks. i would rather be single for life.
why can't i snag someone and last till my 20s and 30s.
time is ticking.
i can't wait.
neither can whoever is stalking me wait.
the whole thing is utterly stupid.
i bet he wouldn't wait.
and it has been a year.....
and if he could wait, i may not be able to wait.
and if we both could wait, there is an obvious disapproval, and the matchmaking ''i help u find a doctor bf''....for god's sake! no! u actually fucking said that, then say focus on studies first....
no way will i let u matchmake me......i don't want a doctor bf....but if i happen to find one whom i like, maybe.
but no fucking way. ur plan is to matchmake me, to plan this path for me and make my life more fucking miserable.......being pigeon-holed into the educational pathway is bad enough. in the world of romance and love, i don't care.
i have my eyes open. and my heart is set on fire.
gosh, i don't want your life. i don't want to lead the life you lead.
thats why i keep veering and steering away from it.....the more distinct, the better. love cannot buy you bread....''ai qing bu neng mai mian bao''....but i will still find a way.....i mean, the service industry is not so reliant on qualifications, more reliant on intra-personal skills and the EQ level of the person. so it is easier to succeed in this line, even if u do not have very high-qualifications.
and wtf, people bring their bf/gf home to meet their parents, what did i do? on the 2nd day, i brought 2 guys to the chalet....one is poly romantic interest/awkward r/s after i decided that ben ben blocked my calls, and okay....there is no going back....the other is kind of friends, easygoing person.
what happened? u guys were having a good time, occasionally. what can u do when parents are around? and u guys did not even smile or pose for the cameras for god's sake....if u consider me ur romantic interest, and agreed to go for the chalet, can't u at least enjoy yourself? do u know how fucked up it is?
on the first day, i brought my sis to the chalet.....
on
fucking busy....falling sick all the time....in sec school, i fell sick due to stress....when i handled 3 jobs, or handled 1 job,6 days a week, 8-10 hours a day, i couldn't handle it and fell sick....i am not born to be hardworking....i must strategise...studying must be like a marathon....run then walk....then rest then run again.....not like a constant non-stop sprint.....or i will fall ill again.....i think i am going to fall sick again...endless projects....no matter where u go, u may feel stressed....
1. u may be trying to maintain ur ''position'', or get into uni...
2. u may be aiming for the next rung/ladder, or a better ''position...''
maybe poly to uni etc.
sometimes, i feel fucking stupid.
as in, if i were taking a level, i would be taking advanced level english n chinese etc.
right now, i really wish that the teacher would expedite the teaching process of the french language......then sometimes, i feel kind of lost.....basic french, not french o or a level.....
i think, this is a motivation for ppl to work hard: get into uni, or get top 10% for psle, so that they can take o level french.
i suck, and i am definitely not the top 10%, and at that point in time, i could not insist and argue that i can cope, even if i can't.
at this point in time, the teacher thinks i can pass this level as well....of french......the good thing is, my mum is not going to say things like:''you can't cope...'' anymore.....cause' maybe i am old enough...and i gave up a lot for this subject.....or module.....and my results for french and other stuff are not too bad yet...YET......
i think, maybe i shouldn't continue, but mum says that i should...and the teacher said that i cannot have the mindset which is: if i fail, so be it.....
the thing about languages, if it is not something like higher chinese, or higher english etc., i generally do fine.....teachers will not put me down etc. in fact, i may be considered a high-scorer in that area.
at the end of the day, i am looking for the certificate, not so much about acquiring the language ability....i think that the only way to prove that i am actually half-decent in chinese is to show that i actually had a 'distinction' in oral.......on my certificate....or nobody would believe me....during presentations and oral exams, i ace them. but i can't do sales for shit. maybe i can impress the big bosses and super-intellectuals rather than the common folk.....no offence.
okay, my english sucks now. i am out of practice. i have never written any essay for a long time.....and of course, i seldom speak chinese.......
guess what? today, my sim just got pregnant....then she gave birth shortly after, to a baby girl....i feel stupefied!!!!wow......when i didn't play the game, the game probably was on auto-mode....all the time......
luckily, i finished the bulk of my assignments....still many tests coming up.....
no time to go and see lovelorn guy....i thought he had very unique eyes.....like very thick double eyelids with anime eyes....which appeared like no double eyelids at all.....ironic right?
mum said that we would change our mindsets about our future occupations or career pathways.....
but i get more radical instead of conventional when it comes to thinking:
1. i used to think that i would like to be a ballerina, singer, baker etc.nurse.....when i was around 7-9 years old.
when i was 11-12, i thought that maybe i would become an air-stewardess or model.
15? game programmer or game master of a game.
17? pole-dancer? trance-artist(DJ?like DJ sammy or don't tell me that i need a sound-engineering dip/degree?)?
game programmer, as usual......for first person shooters.
lots of blood and gore.
heavy-metal screamer....like chester bennington.
whats next? nuclear warfare? biological warfare?
if i can get a degree, i would rather get a few degrees....i have so many interests.
my life revolves around games and music. can't survive without them. and mum dismisses my abilities all the time....so i can't say i am proud of her collaboration with a ''famous superstar...''.....as a last resort, i will stick to waitressing or get qualifications in tourism and hospitality. (no offence)....because it seems like one of the easiest job to me....compared to programming, or other occupations...if u can walk properly, react fast....its more about EQ than anything else....when i acted in a school play, she dismissed my acting skills. so i dismiss hers too....as well as singing....
we like to sing, dance and act....and of course, we dismiss each others' skills and talents, or lack thereof all the time.
i suck at dancing.....played auditionsea when i was 11 years old....so i decided to join dance as a cca when i was 13 in sec school.....within a blink of an eye, 4 years had passed....17 years old: played auditionsea again...and danced like a madwoman in ''freestyle mode'' whenever i go to clubs or parties, with gyrating and ''booty'' shaking....thinking of joining dance as a cca......but, the thing is, i think my dancing sucks too much, and clubs who are not so selective may accept me, but the thing is, i am not very interested.....the different types of dance are very distinct between the ccas......chinese dance, indian dance, malay dance, contemporary, bboys....etc.
there are always what-ifs in your head(not talking about excel what-ifs):
1. what if i am still in the science stream.....
2. what if i am in a jc?
3. what if i am still involved in dance as a cca?
4. what if i work as a sales person?(no way!)
but anyway, i am involved in community service projects nowadays.....and i swim once a week, freestyle, frogstyle, backstroke etc. due to my s&w module.....and i generally try not to regret my decision, after all, we could always ''switch back'' if we were to take a 2nd diploma or get a degree....and we could always join a cca....and going to a poly may be a blessing.but with all the bitching going around, i wonder about other polys....and wonder if jc people have so much time to bitch about people they hardly know a thing about.....and dancing is like computer programming...dancing wildly like a madwoman in a club is fun, but to take up dancing requires commitment and hardwork.....etc. talent is preferred......computer programming is not as easy as gaming, for most people, although, it is noted that i suck at games, unless u are talking about plants vs zombies or runescape(level 52-56?) or sims 3....(duh)....i guess community service is quite meaningful...
whatever choices i made, i have to accept them......and also, since i made my bed, i have to lie in it....
well, i forgot to choose it. i reckon i will forget to choose my next elective, and i will not get to take jap or spanish(french is an optional one, there is an elective that i can choose, besides french, which is compulsory...like languages, or IT etc.)....instead, i will end up with some other module...:/ arrgh!!!computer is lagging, cause' i installed too many games....it is high time for an upgrade....
i bet lovelorn boy is giggling with his female pals....as usual.....can't read his mind.....so why should i play along with his games?
writing is a form of catharsis. who cares if anyone reads my blog?
but there are pipe dreams that i can never achieve....
1. get multiple degrees from prestigious universities
2. become multilingual
3.earn a million bucks
4. own landed properties
5. make friends from all over the world
6. hone many talents and interests, and in the process of my pursuits, discover international stardom....
7.meaningful charity work
but who says that i cannot dream?
i daydream all the time, and i feel like the undead, alive but not really living....sometimes, when people speak to me, i feel like i am in a trance.....
i prefer to be proficient at at least 3 languages, and pursue other stuff....don't get me wrong, it is not that i hate children or anything.
i do interact with them and stuff.....
but the thing is, i am not the kind of stay at home mum, or the kind of study-->get married-->have kids-->grow old.....
don't accuse me of being selfish.....doing community service is one thing, lifetime goals, dreams and wishes are another thing.....
so don't impose your expectations on me........
i may not want to get married, because i will feel trapped and suffocated......may not want to have children....u may think that i am selfish and have more money to spend that way....but i can just pursue my dreams and help out in charity work....i don't want that boring life, that i am experiencing now. heck, i don't even want to be an introvert. i am socially awkward, and i am forced to be one....i like people who bring out my extrovert and party-animal side....u may say that its not the real me, but i am happier that way.....we get to choose the life we want to lead...why let society's norms dictate u and force you into a mould which u have to conform to?
i hate you with a burning desire....i hate you so fucking bad.......i hate you so fucking much...........YOU DISGUST EVERY CELL IN MY BODY.....
seriously, i am like wtf~....since that boy thinks i am retarded and ugly, and i think he is retarded and ugly as well, what is there to talk about?
sigh, my voice is totally shot....after a long week, i still haven't recovered from that sore throat....so i think its a waste of time to join that competition, so i didn't even bother to turn up...doubt that mum will sign the consent form anyway, and i won't even get chosen....right now, i can only sing rihanna and contralto songs.. or disco songs.....no more whitney or celine....or mariah....wait, i still can....except that it comes out very hoarse and strained....and i am still quite squeaky....but my chinese got better when it comes to pronouncing words....
and i cannot join the school competition, because, i will get ridiculed and possibly laughed at....
the point is, i may never get selected for the finals of any competition, but the point is, i improve along the way and keep trying....my success rates for interviews such as scholarships and school trips and other important appointments used to be much lower....now my success rate for interviews and stuff is much higher!!!!
because i seriously loathe studying.....and if i loathe studying, i must find a talent elsewhere!!!!i simply cannot stand people who detest studying, yet they have no other paths to choose....and they keep complaining......ps. to get rich is to study till the highest level that you can go, or become a famous showbiz star.....or set up a business....or invest in property....but it is not so easy to set up a business or invest in property, cause' u need capital....sigh~.....i think i will be miserable and poor for my whole life....
speaking of showbiz, there is someone who proclaims to be a famous superstar and can't sing very well and always does silly moves and gestures which attract attention....and earns a lot of money....sometimes, i wonder if i am an misanthrophist.....or maybe i just hate the people who made my life miserable.....
cause' i thought maybe i hate those guys who teased me.....no wait, i hate those girls for gossiping about me....no wait, i hate them for ganging up against me....
okay....but i really like those who were nice to me ,tattoo or no tattoo...piercing or no piercing.....cause' i don't owe anyone shit....i don't get paid to get anyone's shit.....
cause' only at my workplace, i probably don't mind if you are a customer and badmouth about me....
ps. feel like getting more piercings and tattoos, seriously......MAYBE ON MY EAR, ON MY BELLY AGAIN, NEAR TO THE ORIGINAL BELLY PIERCING....MAYBE TATTOO ON MY WAIST AREA? FEEL LIKE HAVING SOME CELTIC KNOTS OR SOMETHING...AROUND MY WRIST....BUT MUM WILL SCREAM THE HOUSE DOWN!!!SO NO.....
cannot resist the temptation....
and the novelty of some subjects fade after a while....hopefully, the novelty of french does not fade....
speaking of kissing, i will never kiss again...after i got bitten....accidentally....but i will never blame the guy....
also, its stupid to ask about pregnancy etc.! i mean, i have this navel piercing, so i can never get pregnant, or my navel piercing will be ruptured....or i have to get a pregnancy belly ring, but those are hard to find, haha!
and moreover, i cannot stand it when i see fathers who look extremely young, around 19-23 years old....i am like, u sure, u won't flirt with other young girls? can u take care of your child?
can you change a diaper? and people who do not rebel early in life, may rebel much later in life, which may be known as a mid-life crisis.....arrgh, thinking of this, makes me very certain that i never want to get married!!!!
and that boy can text me instead of stalking me....i HOPED HE WOULD STOP STALKING ME!!!!CAUSE' WE ARE OVER, AND I WANTED TO FORGET HIM....AND ANYWAY HE THINKS THIS WAY OF ME....AND HIS PERSONALITY HAS CHANGED!!!!OR I NEVER KNEW HIM!!!AND I THOUGHT I PRAYING WORKS...BUT HE IS STILL THERE.....
recently, a relative has been in hospital....hope she gets well soon....
and yes, some kids are really cute.....some are very nice....makes me tempted to talk to them even more...aside from CIP..also, i saw some babies at the nursery.....but i think, maybe, i don't mind taking care of other people's children...but no, i am not gonna have kids seriously....
THE PERSON I USED TO LIKE IS RETARDED AND UGLY....DAFUG.....AND EVERYTHING I THOUGHT HE WAS, WAS WHO HE WASN`T.......
NO MORE LOVE!!!
PEACE XOXO.
what i fucking want to say right now, is fuck this shit.....
i act cocky and arrogant and mean and bitchy in front of some idiots who think it is so fun to badmouth other people all the time.....so, i ignore them, walk with dignity and pride, with my head held high...although i say heck care them, i am still bothered.
because the friends i have say that they don't know me, so they may judge. right. however, if they are not badmouthing me=major lie.....
because my life does not depend on them.....my manager thinks i'm ok, my co-workers think i am ok...i act professional, polite and unfriendly when it comes to horrid people. i don't need horrid people in my life....so i shut out all these nonsense.
music and gaming is my form of escapism.
i really wish that i can get a degree in game programming.....
if i were to choose engineering, it would be sound engineering all the way!!!!
i wish i can try out NS...good pay for women(rumour).....
and i wish that i can do bike stunts....and other cool stuff like wakeboarding.....
i try my best in groupworks despite knowing that i suck.....
its ridiculous when people alienate you, then assume that you are an introvert.......
but i discovered that i can be very nice or very mean a long time ago....
anyway, ''rehab'' by rihanna describes the ben ben situation going on.... ''you were using me in a different way that i was using you''.....i was using him as an emotional crutch, a friend that could support me when the world crumbled down.....and i liked him for his looks, his height, his personality....his size....literally everything about him....i thought he understood people.....i thought he was very eloquent.....
i think the mixture of smartness and childishness was an appeal.....
and as for him, i don't know what he is using me for???
but i think for experimental purposes......
and we have both hurt and humiliated each other......
since he called me ugly and i said hurtful stuff about him.....
that's why i don't fucking know what to do......
especially......when he decides to come back after blocking my calls....
is it love or possession? control freak?
coveting something you can't have?
just call my number or sms me. duh!
now, to the elephant in the room.....
i sang to people who can give me honest, yet unhurtful opinions.....
remember the burger rule......nice comment, horrid comment, nice comment to top it off.......like a burger bun....so, u still feel good but u get the constructive criticism at the end of the day......
and after 1 year-2 years of impromptu karaoke singing, i think i am ready......
my voice does not waver as much or crack anymore.....i can hold a tune, go high or low.....
so, there is this singing contest.
however, will i be humiliated/embarassed?
will i get stage fright?
will i forget the lyrics?
will my mum sign the consent form for minors below 18? no.
i don't know why this damn contest had to put in a clause for people below 18, needing parental consent.
a friend offered to sign the form and pose as my guardian.
but i said no......in case there are background checks or something/...
so obviously, this is seriously not meant to be..............
maybe i can wait till i'm 18....
and i will get all my homework done and projects done and i will be a good girl for a while?
and i swear i won't break into a sweat.....i swear i will leave you spellbound.....i swear i won't suck like two cats drowning in a pail of water, like i did, 2 years back.....
ps. an update:
i think an elderly couple greeted me in the lift today.....''good morning, are you going to work?''
huh? seriously, do i look like i am going to work?
i look like a confused kid.....
i think i know.....the situation......the ben ben situation.....has escalated to this....
and the heart can be deceitful.....
but what did i write wrongly about gross and crude sex which had to make you go :''wtf!!!!''
sometimes, the modules are hard, sometimes they are easy.....
however, there are times in life where i go:'' let me fail or dropout....'' there are times when i tell myself to hang on!!!!that everything will get better.....
then probably i will go on to jc, or go overseas, or go ite, or work, or take a private course.....or i may get my lucky break.....
there was a point in time where i wanted to end my life....
i tried cutting myself->too painful plus i didn't have the guts
tried buying sleeping pills->not available in pharmaceutical stores
well, the rest of the options are inconceivable....and suicide is not an option.....
poison pills->side effects
other kinds of things are plain nasty....so i decided to give up my suicide attempt.
if some pretty,rich, smart, popular girl starts doing something silly.....i think its utterly stupid!
to me, she has everything that i don't have....
plus, i have health problems and other issues......
i hate it WHEN PEOPLE THINK MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN THEIRS....
THEY ARE FUCKING OBLIVIOUS TO THE OBVIOUS, AND THE NON-OBVIOUS.
the obvious part is getting ostracised. u never got ostracised, so stfu.
i don't have a car, or a bungalow, or even a condo.....
maybe u have one of these things......
and i may be worse or better than u, but life is not a bed of roses.
people have called me ugly. stupidity? haha.
i think people like me are the ones who usually cannot take everything in life and wanna end it all, not the one who is the queen bee in school!!!!!not the one who has everything going well for them....
fuck anyone who says otherwise.
i have nothing in my life....seriously.
except maybe someone who i can spend a lifetime with=bf/husband? right now or one day?family? and that is good enough for me....
but if some imbecile has to come and say that i am luckier than them, then really shit on you.....
so, in secondary school, if u envied my educational pathway, then don't you know the difficulties i faced? u don't know the behind-the-scenes thing.....
if you envied people who go to top JCs, don't you know the difficulties some of them face?
but if you go to a top JC, you don't face difficulties, and you are complaining about this very issue, then fuck you!
if you bully others, then complain, ''why am i the popular girl who is adored, yet i have to keep up this facade,'' then fuck you.
cause' i am at the other end of the spectrum. and it is not pretty.
i would gladly exchange roles with you, seriously.....if you are a fucking popular girl who complains about life......
i would gladly exchange my life with some top scientist in the world, just to see how is it like......but he wouldn't want to do that.....i am trying to understand the expectations people face.....
popular=keeping up facades, fake plastic smiles
smart=lots of pressure to do well.....
unpopular=miserable life
stupid=teased a lot?
so, i am looking AT A FAIR PERSPECTIVE. AT BOTH ENDS.....
BUT IF A SMART PERSON CAN BULLY OTHERS, THEN DON'T VICTIMIZE YOURSELF. DON'T COMPLAIN, OR COMMIT SUICIDE.i hate your hypocritical side, and i want your deeds exposed, asshole.
because a smart person may complain about being smart and the pressures he/she faces....stupid person complains about being stupid and the lack of opportunities in life.
i accept that. but don't bully others.......or you are a two-faced snake.....
but whether i am smart or stupid, it is my own business.
if you are not my parent or teacher or groupmate or boss or lover or bf or friend who is angry at the consequences of any stupid thing that i have done, then who are u to comment? the grass is always greener on the other side......no offence. i may lose your potential friendship or whatever.....u may even hate me......in the first place, or choose me as your target for taunting.....but i don't give a shit about you.
i shut you out of my world. you don't exist. enuff said.
but my own parents put me down as well...useless,stupid,idiotic, incapable etc.
teachers, peers, the whole world.
but the working environment has been good......good manager and boss and coworkers....so far....for this workplace.....
and some people have some things, and they do not have other things.
you may be good at singing, but not at writing.
but how come, mine's all linked....?!
bad health, very high fever with asthma or some other illness--> brain damage and not enough oxygen in my brain--> stupid-->problems processing information, such as numbers, languages, musical keynotes, acquiring new talents and skills-->hardly any social life--> unhappiness-->stress-->bad health......
sometimes, people don't understand. okay, so u think i am tone-deaf in singing. but somehow, i need to convince myself that i have some talent, to make myself feel better....because i have been put down badly in other areas.....
i need to fucking tell myself i'm good in languages......although if u have constant exposure, practice, tuition, help from long long ago, donkey years back........thats not a real talent......
actually, no, scratch that, i don't care if i have no talents.
all i want to be with........i seriously don't know....why the person i liked so much has to be the same person who feels like a drug....with negative and positive effects.
trying to wean myself off, but failing miserably.....
and i listen to people's advice.....thats why i am not getting into another r/s, cause' i only have that guy in my heart.
but i cannot approach him, cause' he is a drug, he has humiliated me, i want him for all the wrong reasons, parents do not approve,friends advise against it, and he has a lot of female friends, and i think he is kind of dirty-minded, and i am a commitment-phobic,and he is not the person i thought he was....and i still feel that i am the one with emotions.......
ps. haha, luckily i never lent the person who made me a joke along with some other people a stapler!bitch! i can be selfish since he is so mean!
stupid saga number 2 in my dream:(warning: very stupid dream with idiotic content!!!!)
guy and girl spends more time together....then they get married(stupid right?)
then anyway, the guy and girl go to the bedroom....
then girl saw how well-endowed the guy is....she gets a shock, and run away.....guy grabs her....wtf!!!!!girl screams.....
girl is fucking petrified......guy decides to do it.......
and she decided to divorce the guy.....
stupid fucking dream!!!!!
i feel so disgusted whenever guys like to talk about horny stuff....cause' the promiscous part of me will be like:''whoever who marries me won't be able to take it, muahahahahaa.....when a married couple have to do those things....''
then the chaste and pure part is:'' i will never want to do those things, and maybe i never wanna get married....''
omfg, i feel like i am going to puke....i just think it is highly erotic and disgusting and just very.....monstrous....like two animals, one on top of the other, making strange grunting noises....
wtf.......
i feel that i really don't like the idea of marriage....i rather act as a bride or be a bridal model.....
i know this post is nonsensical and very crude and gross....
and my english is becoming atrocious....hiaz......
thats why i really hate horny people for making me feel horny......wth......i hate it when people don't cherish their virginity and wanna do it right away......yucks......
and some bitches are bitching as usual again.....
trying to concentrate on other stuffs but these thoughts keep infiltrating my mind......
and i feel so repulsed.....i have the crazy urge to curl up with some blankets and jackets......
if this is very gross, good. i hope it stops u from thinking about horny teenage stuff or trying it with anyone.....
i know the purpose is for making babies and stuff....but i can't help but think in this perverted way......and of course, to increase sg's birth rate for married couples.....
and i know i am supposed to discuss about this topic with an open-mind and a mature thinking.....
but i have failed on both counts.....i am so immature....and childish....
i am supposed to show some intellect....but i failed.....
``baby, i had a weird dream last night, and all i wanted to do was to lie in your arms forever...``
so hahas, i am going to blog about my weird dream last night.....i dream that i met the person who i am infatuated with....we had a good heart-to-heart talk, with plushy cushions and seats......it was all so awesome........and i felt like touching the person for some reason...cause' he is totally so hot and everything....i don't remember the final details....but all i remembered is that i did not want to wake up from that dream....i woke up once, but went back to sleep....big anime eyes......nice musculed and toned skin.........and it is very soft and smooth like a baby....a bit like a sissy haha......
right now, i have a few alter-egos....
as i previously mentioned in an earlier post....
the nice, innocent, quiet girl....no qualms about helping you.....will also be quite introverted at times.....decent and clean image....simple minded.....
sexy suzy....the flirtatious girl who needs attention from a lot of people....extremely extroverted, will chat a lot with a lot of guys....WITH a very sweet and husky voice....flings and all sorts of indecent stuff.....
angsty teenager who will lash out at you anytime....and lash out at everything....f*** u....etc.
there is extreme inconsistency in my writing....sometimes, i am incoherent, sometimes, i have the mentality of a 5 year old, sometimes, i sound like a broad-minded intellectual way beyond my age....sometimes i am very angry, or very happy....sometimes, i yearn for company, sometimes, all i wanna do is be alone.....there is the humble girl and the arrogant bitch, depending on circumstances....
i switch alter-egos depending on the way a person treats me and the person's personality...also depending on my mood....when i work in the service industry, i have to take on a personality of a nice,polite and very helpful person....also have to appear extroverted at times.....and suffice to say that it is very difficult to be nice....sometimes, in school or maybe in some events etc., i have to do this......
when a person makes me very angry, i may explode instantly.....
due to my low-self esteem, sexy suzy takes over whenever i am with a hot guy who is horny....or in ktvs or clubs etc.
internet r/s
when i read xiaxue's story, it was quite touching....albeit, a little contrived......hmm, i think my parents are highly unsupportive of me meeting internet people, let alone, date them....thats a huge hurdle to cross.
so, i am going to go along with the blatant and honest truth. things are not going to work out....and can i sustain a r/s for so many years, to the extent of getting married? unlikely....yea, i don't have many friends, but there are times where i will be very extroverted and talk to almost everyone and try to get their contacts.....like 30 over contacts....ps. i have 359 contacts with phone numbers, maybe a huge percentage of them are expired, a lot hi-bye/acquaintances, workplaces etc......but i was super-sociable in the freshman orientation camp, the freshman dance party, and in most workplaces....such that someone even tried to grind on me....big mistake....maybe the 5 guys have moved on? maybe they are still holding on? but i think for the stalker one, the person probably is infatuated by the novelty of first love.....but i am certain other people have moved on...etc. the guy from my ex-workplace, the guy from my ex-ex-workplace....i say that those are the current potential r/s....cause` i still contact them often, or once in a while..or i see them near my hse by some unexplained circumstance..i have the contacts of the people who have possibly moved on, but i do not see or contact them actively.....
right now, i am very confused.....cause' of this issue, plus......the poly guy issue......cause' i guess that it is not so easy to like someone.....i may not have many friends, but i have enough friends, enough for some guys to propose a r/s with me.....
and at the rate it is going, i think its hell....right now, its about 5....one guy who came and contacted me after a long break....
one guy who asked me....(don't wanna reveal, too personal)....in school anyway.....2 guys who warrant the discussion of the abovementioned topic....and the guy....whose friends told him i am ugly....and he said he did not like me initally.
i don't want to get into an r/s right now....its really frustrating.....and i think, omg, don't tell me i still cannot get over the 11-12 mths stalkerish thing....and i still kind of like that guy.....but well, if things work out.....one day....
i guess, the person who really wants a r/s.....will actually come and join me on my trip to china....and actually join the same tour group, talk to me, get to know me, and really show interest in me....that is fate+attraction+devotion+commitment
fate=meet on same tour trip
attraction=real enamouration and adoration
devotion= willing to find me, even if i am at one of the four corners of the earth
commitment=willing to go the distance
i am not saying the tour trip which i am going on, but one thing for sure, if a guy likes me, he will track down my tour trip and tour guide, book the tour, talk to me, and take a liking to me, or ascertain his liking.....and no more negative internet connotations okay?? i really hate this internet thing....ps. not a total stranger kind....is the kind, like i know them, they sort of know me....but they show a fresh new start, clean break...no connotations etc., or just see how it works out....
i know it is a prevalent thing about internet r/s, but....i prefer the by-chance in real life thing.....
and you may call me retarded, ugly bitch etc., but why would i lie to you? anyway, this is my blog, and if you don't like reading it, you are free to leave. yea, i am a selfish bitch and a loner, please don`t do anything for me...you will regret it, i swear...just friends....pls.....or it gets tooo complicated...
not so bothered by nonsensical stuffs anymore!!!!!!really, people can say whatever they want.....and if its in my face....i will seriously scream back or something!!!!!!
but anyway, that damned singing competition!!!!!below 18=parental consent....grr.......anyway, i will be going down to watch and assess the competitors......and i don't think that a non-professional person is really suited to diss anyone as :''lousy singer'', ''tone deaf'' etc.
knn.....
and i have french today....hopefully, i can collect my pay afterwards....i dislike my swimming module....but there are definitely some nice people there.....
haha, not so introverted when it comes to swimming or places where i feel at ease....more extroverted....very introverted when i don't feel at ease....
trying to be happy....so i listened to linkin park songs and i swear i am going to get that album soon!!! listened to more music as well!!!!!
stocking up on winter wear too!!!!yay!!!!!!
cannot wait!!!!!!
and my mum keeps saying that nobody wants to be a waitress....and anyone can do a low-level skill....
and to add fuel to fire, even if i learn a skill faster than other people, i still feel stupid.....
when i fail some subjects, i am stupid. (with help only for weak subjects)
and if i pass all subjects, with help for only the weak ones, i am stupid....
when other people fail almost all, they are lazy......(even with help)
and if they fail almost all, and they get help for everything, they are considered lazy.....
how is that fair?
i really don`t know how to smile...happiness is so short-lived...
and the playlist in my mp3 consists of love ballads and heavy-metal songs, to suit my unpredictable and erratic emotions...
writing is theraupetic, even if nobody reads it....
get everything off my chest....
ps. sometimes, i don`t even want help or feel i need it....if the person is not good at helping.....
but sometimes i want it....but i don`t want to be dissed everytime....and i don`t have help for my strong subjects....at all....and my strong subjects do better...whereas, my weak subjects are so weak that help will help me pass.....and i am grateful....but does not mean that i will do well....
cause` i rather take subjects like humanities, except i don`t like it though i am strong.....at these things.....
if i took the subjects that i am inclined in, probably i would only need help for h2 maths? if it were for a level?
for diploma level, if i were to take something that i am strong in, maybe it would be okay?
i know i am strong in humanties, or maybe i was, cause` i felt that nobody would be able to help me, if i were weak.....
just feel like ranting everything....
and if you wanted to help someone, you will help him/her pursue his/her dreams, not change it into something deemed more ``feasible...``
henceforth, i am still a strong advocate of intelligence....reduces the need for unnecessary hard work....
and i am rather mediocre at english and chinese, thus, i decided to ``diversify``, to be average at different skills than be average at one skill.....same for languages....if i cannot be strong at one, maybe being average at all of them is better than being average in one...thus, i decided to pick up french....which is rather rudimentary.....
to me, the course i am studying now is banal and mundane....if i can change it when i go into 2nd diploma or degree, i would do it.....the thing is, when other people are weak in something or everything, or incapable, don`t keep hurling insults....its detrimental to self-esteem and stuffs.....sometimes, even if i can do something, i am perceived to be weak at that something or not know it at all....parents like this only know how to make people feel incapable and embarassed......i get shit everyday, from everywhere....in school, at home.....
for workplaces, in suitable locations, i do not get shit....thats why i love working, sometimes.....for outings, it depends....and the main thing is, teach a person how to fish, not give him the fish....so for weak people, i wonder if they can eat supplements or brain boosting foods? or some help once and for all....and the person would be okay again? seriously, i do not know what early intervention schools are for...are people being diagnosed and treated, but not cured for perceived deficiencies in intellectual abilites?then whats the point? how to cure someone from mild intellectual disabilites? moderate? severe?no offence, pardon me for being ignorant....
feeling fucking fed up....i know where i stand, and i know my abilities, or lack thereof....
and yet, my mum keeps dissing me and hurling insults at me....
i got 40% FOR maths at the UNSW, and 23% at the UNSW test for secondary schools, maybe sec 3....which means, i am normal?
when i just put a random answer, of course, the scores were below average.
but when i put in some effort in tackling the paper, the scores were above average.....
she makes me feel fucking depressed.
my self-esteem has dropped to an all-time low...
THAT I NEED TO USE MY BASIC FRENCH AND MY ABILITY TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE CAPPUCCINO FASTER THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE TO DEFEND MYSELF FROM PERSONAL ATTACKS REGARDING MY INTELLECT.....I KNOW ITS NOT FAIR TO USE BASIC FRENCH AS A COMPARISON TOOL....AND ITS NOT FAIR TO COMPARE IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LINGUISTIC ABILITIES...AND NOW, I KNOW THAT IT IS VERY BAD TO DISS OTHER PEOPLE'S ABILTIES....
WHEN I STARTED TAKING FRENCH, I THINK, MAYBE IF I PASS THIS MODULE, FAIR ENOUGH....BUT WHEN I GOT TO LEVEL 2, I AM HOLDING ON TO IT LIKE SHIT...SINCE I HAVE COME THIS FAR(NOT REALLY), I WANNA CLING ON TO IT.....
I GAVE UP ON PIANO(DIDN'T DARE TO TAKE THE EXAMS)....GAVE UP ON HIGHER CHINESE(MY CHINESE IS TOO POOR)....
SO I DID NOT GIVE UP ON DANCING, SWIMMING AND FRENCH.....AND OTHER PURSUITS.....
WHEN PEOPLE ARE WEAK IN STUDIES AND NEED A LOT OF HELP, PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY ARE NOT INCLINED, THEY HAVE OTHER TALENTS.
WHEN PEOPLE ARE WEAK IN MATHS OR SCIENCE OR BOTH AND THEY NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION, PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY ARE GOOD AT OTHER THINGS.
WHEN PEOPLE FAIL ALL SUBJECTS, PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT THEY ARE JUST LAZY.
NOW, I AM WEAK IN MATHS AND SCIENCE, AND I DIDN'T FAIL ALL THE SUBJECTS....
EVEN IF I FAILED MATHS AND SCIENCE, AND I GOT DISTINCTION FOR ENGLISH AND CHINESE, I GET DISSED AND INSULTED....WITH THE WORD ''RETARDED'''....OR STUPID OR LOW-ABILITY.....
THE THING IS, I CAN ACCEPT REALITY....BUT WHY THIS DOUBLE STANDARD?
IN SEC 1 AND 2, I WAS GOOD IN HUMANITIES AND LANGUAGES.....
BAD IN MATHS AND SCI(NEEDED HELP FOR THIS PART)....AND MY PARENTS WILL ALWAYS DISS ME OFF ETC.
BUT IF SOMEONE IS FAILING ALMOST EVERYTHING, MY PARENTS WILL SAY THAT HE/SHE IS LAZY.....
THEN, EVEN IF HE/SHE GETS HELP FOR EVERYTHING, HE IS JUST LAZY, NOT UNINTELLIGENT.....AND, THAT IS DESPITE HIS/HER SUB-STANDARD GRADES AFTER HELP
THIS DOUBLE STANDARD NEVER FAILS TO PISS ME OFF...
AND EVEN MORE, MY PARENTS SAID I WAS SO WEAK IN MY STUDIES THAT CHARACTER EDUCATION WAS NEGLECTED....
THEY FAIL TO SEE THE POINT:
1. TELL ME NOT TO GO HOME LATE AT NIGHT IN CASE I GET INTO A SERIOUS FIGHT OR SOMETHING.....
2. THEN WHY DO I GET BULLIED SO OFTEN IN SCHOOL, EVEN PHYSICAL ATTACKS IN THE PAST, BUT THEY NEVER CAME TO MY RESCUE?
WHY SHOULD I BE A GOOD GIRL? MY STUDIES AND CHARACTER ARE INTER-LINKED.....
BUT THE SITUATION AT HAND IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEY THINK....
IF I HAVE GOOD CHARACTER, MY GRADES WILL BE BETTER.....
MY CHARACTER TURNED BAD....SO MY GRADES ARE BAD AS WELL.....
EVEN NOW.....
CAUSE NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS....
AND THEY FAIL TO REALISE....
I DON'T NEED COUNSELLING....I NEED TO WIPE OUT THE NEGATIVITY, WITH SOME DRUGS MAYBE?BECAUSE I AM TOO DISTRACTED BY THE NEGATIVITY....AND THEY KEEP PILING ON SOME MORE NEGATIVITY, SAYING THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT THE TRUTH....
SERIOUSLY, SINCE I AM SO STUPID IN YOUR EYES, I MAY AS WELL GIVE UP STUDYING COMPLETELY!!!!
WHY THEY KEEP SAYING THAT I SHOULDN'T MESS AROUND, IN CASE I GET AIDS, BUT WHEN I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION, THEY DON'T CARE?
AND YET THEY CALL ME STUPID......
THEY KEEP SAYING BE FRIENDLY, WHEN PEOPLE ARE PREJUDICED....
ITS IRONIC ISN'T IT?
I AIN'T BAD, ITS THAT I AM REACTING TO SITUATIONS....
I WENT TO A POLY INSTEAD OF JC, JUST SO THAT I CAN DO REBELLIOUS THINGS....
AND THE WORST THING? EVEN RETARDS HAVE THEIR PRIDE...THEY MAY NEED HELP....LET'S SAY WITH HOUSEHOLD CHORES, BUT THEY WANT TO DO IT THEMSELVES AFTER THEY ARE BEING TAUGHT MULTIPLE TIMES....THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE DISSED AS AN INTELLECTUALLY-DISABLED PERSON.
MY MUM FAILS TO UNDERSTAND THIS....i admit that i initially looked down on intellectually-disabled persons....and i tried very hard to change that...now, i am a lot better....and i still hate myself...cause' sometimes when i look in the mirror, i hate what i see....sometimes, i think i look like an anime character....that includes my figure and looks....
AND YES, VERY OFTEN, PEOPLE WHO SEEK HELP, REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT THEY HAVE RECEIVED HELP.AND THUS, IF I EVER HELP SOMEONE, I REFUSE TO TAKE CREDIT. I DON'T WANT MONETARY GIFTS. BUT I WANT COMPANY AND FRIENDSHIP IN EXCHANGE FOR HELP....ITS THAT SIMPLE....
AND I HAVE BEEN OBSESSIVELY TAKING IQ TESTS AND WONDERING IF I HAVE DOWN SYNDROME AND WONDERING IF I SHOULD GO TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL....
TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, I BEHAVE WEIRDLY IN REAL-LIFE COMPARED TO MY INTERNET PERSONA.....
CAUSE I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE....
tell me....
on the lighter note, my skills in auditionsea has been improving....slowly and steadily....but i am still very noob at it....
but at least i managed to chain sometimes....like x2 to x3 perfect combos.....and at least 7-16 ''perfect'' indicators/gradings per game?
depending on the speed....
my score for fast songs has improved to 100k....from 40-50k....for the 120 and above bpm songs?
and i think the movie outing was a bad idea, at least for me....
i behaved weirdly....
and i did not socialise much....
cause' i felt weird just hanging out with friends of friends.....unless they are super-friendly.....but the karaoke outing with another friend was awesome!!!
and i am usually not scared of horror movies.....like scream 4, drag me to hell and the roommate....fear is all in the mind, all in the brain....
but when i went out in a big group, i suppose, i was hoping to grab someone's arm and hold it tightly when i am scared?
i should have brought along my bf(no bf, single).....or i should have brought along a potential bf.....damn....and when my friend or fb friend or whatever, held a contest for most popular guy/girl...or most attractive looking guy or girl, i didn't dare to join in...cause' i think i would get 0 votes from the guys!!!!!i feel so miserable.....
very confused now, cause' someone keeps saying that he wants to be my bf and says that he would want to get married in a few years time...i told him to shut up and find another girl....seriously, this is a big joke!!!!i cannot stand it!!!and i am feeling frustrated with everything....
why do i keep bringing up basic french and use it as a basis of comparison to gauge my abilites against other people? its unfair, but i feel so fucking stupid....that i have to use this......because other people may suck at basic french totally, but they may be better at other aspects of studying.....and what's the point of complimenting me when i can grasp a concept fast, only to diss me later, when i realise i don't know a lot of other concepts...?
and i decided on a poly so that i do not have to keep up a school's reputation and put up a facade.....cause' i realise, my facade is fading off...my nice facade....and my mean side is showing.....
initally, when i was sec 1-2, i was a genuinely nice person....but the persona turned into a mask, as i realised that other people also used ''disguises...''and i realised how cruel the world could be....
i don't want to look down on people, or compare myself to them, making them feel inferior in the process....i really don't want to......
Are u optimistic?
Wierd?
Intuitive?
Anythin abt yourself.
- My Adores -
Chocolate?
Or maybe Vanilla?
Scented Candles?
Long walks at the beach perhaps?
- My Detests -
spoil brats perhaps?
or backstabbers?
maybe clowns?
why not cockroaches
- My Playlist -
Songs stuck in ur brain.
- The Conversations -