A Black & White Movie

now, i feel more pessimistic than ever...again....i am really feeling sorry, and i am sorry to just cause' the group presentation to be not the way it was planned, and the marks issue. but there is no point saying sorry. the damage is done....not trying to gain sympathy here....but just saying....i can feel my entire world crashing down....this time, i am certain i am going to crack for real, i am going to have a nervous breakdown....after so many times of almost ''snapping'' and asking myself:''is this it?'', i am certain that it is going to happen. i caused bad stuff to happen to me and affected others as well....failing tests in secondary school? well, thats nothing. getting a less than likeable o level score, that at least could get you somewhere? thats nothing. probably, at this time, i wouldn't be able to enter university. i think my situation is going to be worse than the worst. now, everything is in a blur, having a headache, weak body, very sore throat, dizzy head and stuff....i wanted so badly to present, but i was certain that i was in no condition for presenting and coming....BUT PEOPLE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. entering university through the poly route is easier? probably a myth? MAYBE I WOULD DO MUCH BETTER OR OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD DO MUCH BETTER IN A POLY THAN A JC? thats like saying, if i were not in the express stream, i would do better, i probably would, and i think i didn't have a choice back then.BUT obviously, I JUST SCREW AND JINX EVERYTHING UP.....CAUSE' UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE, I KNEW THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN, SUCH THAT CHOOSING ANOTHER PATH MAY NOT NECESSARILY BE BETTER....YES, EASIER MAYBE. BUT SOME OBSTACLES LIKE THE ABOVEMENTIONED ONE HAS TO COME.....OKAY, YOU CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT ITS NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHIING....AND IF I JUST SAID SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T LIKE, SOMETHING OFFENSIVE, THEN DON'T READ..IT FEELS BETTER TO AIM FOR DISCRETIONARY ADMISSION....IE. NOT HAVING UR GPA COMPARED TO OTHER PEOPLE WHO AIM TO GO FOR POLY-->UNI ROUTE.....CAUSE' IF YOU COMPARE YOUR GPA TO OTHER STUDENTS, ITS GONNA BE COMPETITIVE, IE. 3.8 VS 3.9....HOWEVER,DISCRETIONARY ADMISSIONS IS BASED ON CCA/MERIT OR TALENTS PLUS IF YOUR GPA IS GOOD ENOUGH....YOU MAY JUST GET LUCKY....BUT IF YOU COMPARE WITH OTHER STUDENTS...GRR....TO COMPETE FOR A PLACE, NAH, THATS SO NOT IDEAL....YOU PROBABLY HATE ME NOW, SINCE I KEEP SAYING I WANNA END IT ALL, BUT I NEVER END IT ALL....WHY I NEVER CHECKED MYSELF INTO AN ASYLUM? I HAVE SCREWED MYSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE BADLY.....AND I AM NOT ASHAMED TO HIDE IT....THERE IS NO POINT KEEPING IT UNDER WRAPS. I DON'T WANT TO BLAME ANYONE....BUT IF I HAD KNOWN THERE WAS SUCH A HUGE PENALTY, I WOULD HAVE RUSHED DOWN.....NO NEED TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT MARKS NOW.....I THINK ITS ALL GONE.....ALL GONE WITH THE WIND....I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP...BUT IF I CAN LIVE THROUGH THE WHOLE SYSTEM AND GET ANOTHER DIPLOMA, THEN I PROBABLY WOULD, IN ANOTHER FIELD....OF MY REAL INTEREST. WHY GET ANOTHER DIPLOMA IF I COULD?
1. A DEGREE IS SERIOUSLY SO FREAKING HARD.....
2. PURSUE YOUR REAL PASSIONS
AT THE SAME TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? THERE IS NO POINT TO KEEP HARPING ON IT, BECAUSE NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE....I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP TO GET THE PENALISED PART BACK.....SERIOUSLY, ITS gg and the end.....count on me to get the MOST SCREWED UP AWARD. I ALWAYS HIT THE HAMMER ON THE NAIL....AND BULLS-EYE......
POLY IS SUPPOSEDLY DEEMED EASIER BY SOME PEOPLE, THATS WHY THE CRITERIA IS MORE DIFFICULT.....ITS A FAIR GAME.HOW MANY Bs and stuff can i get away with, before its game over.....
why life is not as easy as a simple idyllic life, with the one with nice muscles and personality?at this point,, i am asking myself, why do i need it so badly?why is the standard of living so damn high, that i am not aiming for a condo, or a car, or both, or anything very fanciful or expensive.
damn, i just need a roof over my head, enough of food to eat and just enough money to get by. some spare cash for the occasional video game or the illnesses, serious or minor.
WHY , EVEN TO FUFIL THESE SIMPLE NEEDS, IT CAN BE SO DIFFICULT?
DAMN, I DON'T EVEN USE AIR-CONDITIONING at home. NOT BECAUSE IM SKINNY. BUT THATS A LUXURY THAT I DON'T HAVE.(to be fair, air-conditioning can get too cold sometimes.)
oh yes, i forgot that i have some problems, that compound the simple life and make it so damn difficult, that i probably need some more cash on hand to spend.....and its not like i am going on a holiday to paris or something.....its not like i am going to anywhere which will require me to have a lot of liquidated cash assets?
why, when i am just asking for the simple life, and i no longer dream of a rich man/woman's life, even that is so difficult to achieve.
and i don't like it when people gripe about problems which are seemingly non-existent.
1. if you were feeling the stress from your studies, but you got your act together, what's there to complain?
2. you get to go to places which are so splendid and spectacular...why do you still complain?
it really gets my goat, when i hear of the pretty, straight-A, popular, rich girl complaining probably in storybooks?.......because i am none of these things.....and i probably will never be......and they have everything they can have.....but some of them, may have bulimic problems or anorexia....
yea, that is suffering. but what makes me so damn sad, is that, i see people with real problems, being neglected. there are a lot of people in this world....who are suffering.......and those are the ones who really need help...
LET THE STRAIGHT-A student BATTLE IT OUT WITH HIS OWN STUDIES.....
LET THE PRETTY GIRL GRIPE TO HERSELF ABOUT HOW SHE IS NOT PRETTY ENOUGH....
LET THE POPULAR GUY IN THE CLASS SOLVE HIS OWN FRIENDSHIP PROBLEMS....
LET THE RICH COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW THEY DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH TO SPEND.....
SO....I HOPE TO CREATE AWARENESS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE....STEP BY STEP.....IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO GO TO CAMBODIA, THEN GO....THEN YOU WILL STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT TRIVIAL STUFF....OOPS. I AM.....
YOU MAY WANT TO CALL ME A HYPOCRITE....BUT I DID GET INVOLVED BEFORE.....SINCE I DID CHANGE FROM SECONDARY SCHOOL TO MY TRANSITION TO POLY LIFE.....IN TERMS OF PERSONALITY.....AND I HOPE TO BLOG ABOUT MY TRIP TO CAMBODIA SOON......YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT.....BUT EVEN IF I WAS BEING A 100% HYPOCRITE(WHICH I AM NOT).....I THINK, I HAVE AT LEAST BOTHERED TO BLOG ABOUT SOME ISSUES. INSTEAD OF NOT EVEN ADDRESSING THEM.
AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO COMMENT ON ME, BLOGGING AT THIS APPROPRIATE TIME, MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE NOT THAT GUY PLAYING TETRIS BATTLE WHEN THE LECTURER IS CONDUCTING THE LESSON.

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Stuck here at7:48 AM