A Black & White Movie

it never fails to make me wonder, would things be easier, if:
1. my mum gave me more pre-natal stimulation
2. i ate better foods in my childhood days, instead of maggi mee.....
3. i did good deeds in my previous life.....
4. if i had control over my destiny
5. i started liking logic puzzles such as unblock me, detective mysteries and games requiring analytical thinking....at a younger age. NOT NOW.
6. if i had been born in another lifetime
7. if i had tried harder to become smarter, period. not to whine, and think tuition and guidance is the solution to all problems.
yes, probably i should work hard instead of whining. but i can`t help but whine. because every minute and second, i will be put down, probably by teachers,parents, or other people.
because i realise reality is cruel, a lot of people are going to the uni, achieving stardom, going to IP then a levels and doing well, doing well for o levels, going for a levels and going to uni....OR THEY ARE PURSUING THEIR PASSION, NO MATTER HOW PRACTICAL OR RATIONAL. AND IF SPEAKING IS MY STRENGTH, IT WAS A FUCKING HUGE BLOW. BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING STUPID RESULTS.I REALLY WANT TO TURN BACK TIME. NO CHOICE, HAVE TO CREATE NEW PATHWAYS AND DEVELOP NEW TALENTS.....I THINK I AM COPING VERY COMFORTABLY WITH THE 6 MODULES, SAVE FOR ECONS AND POA. PROBABLY ITS SIMILAR TO KNOWLEDGE AND ENQUIRY? WHERE U HAVE TO ANALYSE, BUT NOT IN THE MATHS SENSE, JUST IN GENERAL TERMS....THE BMGT TEACHER SAID THAT THE EXPLANATION I GAVE WAS GOOD....
and these fucking negative blocks are taking too much of everything.
every criticism, gives me one negative block.
10 criticisms, 10 negative blocks.
now the jc route is closed to me, because my mum tot its suitable, i have an aptitude, she wasn`t sure what worked initally. i realised they were pushing me to go to jc initially. if this doesn`t work, what workS?
and i actually go poly to wear nice clothes, shake off the good girl persona....and now what? is private an option, is millenia institute an option?
and i don`t fucking understand, why if stuff like B/CCC is required for uni, why do people take 6-7 subjects....and some people have to take stuff which they reckon are a waste of time.....
H2 BIO H2 CHEM H2 COMPUTING AND H2 MATHS WOULD OPEN THE DOORS UP, PROVIDED A PERSON DOES WELL....ARTS IS DEFINITELY NOT MY INTEREST. PHYSICS IS VERY TOUGH,OUT OF THE QN. SCARED OF POA NOW, OUT OF THE QN. ECONS IS VERY UNPREDICTABLE. VERY FEW PEOPLE TAKE COMPUTING. H2 MATHS IS NECESSARY TO OPEN ALMOST ALL COURSES.
H2 BIO AND CHEM WILL KEEP SCIENCE AND ARTS STREAM OPEN. H2 MATHS AND COMPUTING WOULD KEEP CHOICES MORE OPEN, RATHER THAN CONFINED TO BIO-CHEM ONLY....BUT LIFE IS FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE, WHILE OTHERS GO UP-DOWN OR DOWN-UP, I GO DOWN-DOWN-DOWN....YEA, THAT SONG WAS MADE FOR ME....
SOUND ENGINEERING IS NICE, MAKING SOUNDS AND MINGLING WITH THE STARS, BUT HOW MANY CELEBS IN SG? AND I HAVE NO APTITUDE. AND HOW MANY SUCCESSFUL IT OR GAME COMPANIES ARE THERE HERE? I WONDER IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH, PROBABLY NOT.
SERIOUSLY, I DON`T KNOW WHY, I SUDDENLY FEEL THAT DESPITE ALL THE STRUGGLES, WE SIMPLY CANNOT HATE MATHS. IT OPENS UP DOORS.AND RIGHT NOW, I THINK I WOULD ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO HANG ON TO THEIR AMATHS. I AM WEAK, ITS HISTORY, ITS A DIFFERENT STORY. I`M OUTTA THERE, MAYBE I`M NEVER COMING BACK. BUT IT IS DIFFERENT FOR YOU....I REALISE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT LANGUAGES U CAN CHOOSE OVER THE OTHER, IF U ARE NOT STUCK IN A JC SYSTEM, OR UR PARENTS ARE VERY OPEN-MINDED. BUT MATHS IS THE CRUX FOR PSLE, O LEVEL, JC. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HATE MATHS, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH U. NO MATTER HOW WEAK I AM, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH U. BUT IN JC, MATHS IS ESSENTIAL, H2 MATHS, MOST LIKELY.of course, not to forget, how much distress and trouble i created for everyone out there, if thats good enough for you, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD THAT I HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM YOUR LIVES, IF THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. MAYBE I CHANGED UR OPINIONS ON CERTAIN MATTERS, CHOICES, DECISIONS. BUT SOME PEOPLE CHANGED MY FUCKING PERSPECTIVE, MY FUCKING MIND, I PROBABLY WILL NEVER BECOME A DOCTOR, OR PROBABLY A TEACHER, APTITUDE OR NO APTITUDE.
1. FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WILL REMEMBER TEACHERS AS PEOPLE IN PRIMARY SCHOOL WHO DID NOT HELP ME WHEN I WAS BULLIED.
2. THEY ARE THE KIND WHO PUSHED FOR GRADES.
DEAR xxx, U GOT F9 FOR O LEVEL CHINESE, NOW DO U KNOW HOW MANY A1 STUDENTS I NEED TO COVER AN F9?i am citing a fucking example, cause' i am not going to have self-pity....
PROBABLY WHY I DIDN`T WANT TO GO JC...
I THINK, MAYBE I WILL STUDY EXPLOSIVES IN FUTURE....OR I WILL STUDY BIO-CHEM WARFARE, IF I GET THE CHANCE. OR I WILL BECOME A CRIMINAL LAWYER, LIKE Subhas Anandan if things change for the better....best if i can get a contract for a heavy-metal screamer, just you wait......

Stuck here at7:12 PM