A Black & White Movie

yes, its me, the angsty teenager again. i realise, that i keep creating alter-egos or alternate personas for myself, in case you don't know what it is, it is another personality or another side of yourself, which people may or may not get to see. go and check the dictionary for yourself if you still don't get it.....the point is, i have been creating these lately for myself....
1. because i hate myself
2. because i hate the labels and names people gave me, so i decided to create my own alter-ego.
3. because i feel its good to be someone else once in a while
4. because i feel that people have the luxury of excuses....
ie. that person is not academically-inclined, but he is good in sports....
that person may have failed his test so miserably, but he is a genius!!!!
but i never had the luxury of excuses, probably because people gave me the benefit of the doubt that i am dumb, or they never gave me the benefit of the doubt that i could be one of these cases.....
so, i create alter-egos, such as sexy suzy, the pole dancing person. i once went super-crazy and pole-danced in front of some guys from my school....not to forget the bikini pics.....
or i create an alternate persona called merciless killer, erotica, in a first-person shooter game. or warriorbabe. or bahpudding. or sakura, whatever i can call myself.
it helps me to escape harsh reality, and i create a name, a label for myself. i love the internet, it always lets me transform into someone else, someone who is not me. i have started to do the alter-ego thing in real life as well....so, sometimes, i behave the way i wanna be.....
anyway, my mum said that i have a learning disability, undiagnosed okay?!
and i don't mind having discalculia,(right spelling?), but i really hope that my iq is at the 100 mark.
please, discalculia is fine, which means i don't have to take maths, but i am normal.
and i have started to love logic puzzles....i could not do them in the past, not even a single one, but i can breeze through the advanced levels now....because it makes me feel better, being able to do something right, and maybe, my life is not so fucked up after all....they can be very hard, and involve scheming, plotting or logical thinking and skills....but its all in good fun....and c'mon, killing virtual mice is cruel?cmon its just the virtual world....
anyway, the alter ego and logic puzzles part, probably help to keep my sanity, and stop me from becoming like peter hougton, or the guy who had mental retardation, and was so disappointed with himself and everything around him, and he lost control and acted so violently, that he did alot of irrational stuff.....
search for mentally retarded men, violent tendencies, and killings.
or search for ostracised teenagers, murders, killer. etc.
can't fucking find the article.
the only way to get out of this, is to change myself completely.
even if i get a degree, there will be still derogatory remarks aimed at me.
the best way is, let me have facial plastic surgery, let me change my body, through body plastic surgery, let me get a degree(i promise i will work super hard for it, and i will qualify for the degree, or i will try to earn money for it),wipe my fucking memories clean of all the memories, so i can become someone else. yes, and give me a law firm, if i show that i am capable enough for it, and give me a position as a lawyer. a degree is fucking not enough. i don't want to become me, i want to become someone else, or i may go drinking, partying and acting as sexy suzy, maybe for months on end.
because i tried to be a good student, tried for leadership positions etc., although i was halfway there, those shoes are too fucking big to fill.
i might as well be sexy suzy all my life.
i really hate myself.......i think i would do anything, to change every inch of myself, inside out, from head to toe. seriously, except for the logic games, nothing else makes me feel capable of anything in life. the logic games and french actually. i know, once i lose interest in french, i may end up not being able to do french anymore.ie, stop at level 2 maybe? not proceed up to level 3 and so on.....french is a lot of memorising and pronunciation and stuff. add in some common sense and logic and u r good to go. the truth is, basic french is really easy. initially, i got fucking scared, because there were at least 60? new words to learn.....or even more...pardon me, cause' i am bad at numbers....but even so, i think it was very daunting...but there is no choice, because i had a fucking crazy insane passion for it, stemmed by negativity, so i just decided to give it a try....i am telling myself, no matter how much i hate certain modules, i must pass them. its like the last time, no matter how much i hated social studies, i tried to pass it. passed it in o levels anyway. at least now my mum is more open to me taking computing. i swear, if i take computing, it will be like french, difficult or easy, or difficult yet easy, i will try to conquer any fears. but given that french is 2 credit units, or an optional module, i do not spend a lot of time. in fact, just an hour before the exams,where there was free time, then i just revised and stuff.
as for computing, i will probably work my ass off, if i get the chance, to take it at a levels or equivalent, and not neglect the other subjects. if i like all the other subjects, hell yes, i am going to work my ass off. and i am going to make sure there are results.i don't see the point of going to better jcs....some not-so-good jcs, may offer subjects the good jcs don't offer. that's the best part. i realise, the option of retaking o levels is open to me.....but i see no point.....what more can i expect from people who think A2 is no good,A1 is good?feeling better after ranting. gaming is my life, can't live without it. likewise, if i could try out acting, i would love to. i would want to be another person, even for one sec, 1 day or one minute. just not me. i want to enter another person's mind and thoughts and just act out all the emotions......if only.....
at least, that boy got to be muscular and stuff...and people probably do not feel disappointed in him...no matter what i do, i am a disappointment, so why not fuck up my already fucked up life some more? it makes no difference!
and i seriously, wonder, what do super-tall people eat? or is it in their genes? whenever someone like naomi neo has a great figure, sometimes i wonder, is it genes or nutrition?

Stuck here at7:02 PM