A Black & White Movie

feeling fucking fed up....i know where i stand, and i know my abilities, or lack thereof....
and yet, my mum keeps dissing me and hurling insults at me....
i got 40% FOR maths at the UNSW, and 23% at the UNSW test for secondary schools, maybe sec 3....which means, i am normal?
when i just put a random answer, of course, the scores were below average.
but when i put in some effort in tackling the paper, the scores were above average.....
she makes me feel fucking depressed.
my self-esteem has dropped to an all-time low...
THAT I NEED TO USE MY BASIC FRENCH AND MY ABILITY TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE CAPPUCCINO FASTER THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE TO DEFEND MYSELF FROM PERSONAL ATTACKS REGARDING MY INTELLECT.....I KNOW ITS NOT FAIR TO USE BASIC FRENCH AS A COMPARISON TOOL....AND ITS NOT FAIR TO COMPARE IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LINGUISTIC ABILITIES...AND NOW, I KNOW THAT IT IS VERY BAD TO DISS OTHER PEOPLE'S ABILTIES....
WHEN I STARTED TAKING FRENCH, I THINK, MAYBE IF I PASS THIS MODULE, FAIR ENOUGH....BUT WHEN I GOT TO LEVEL 2, I AM HOLDING ON TO IT LIKE SHIT...SINCE I HAVE COME THIS FAR(NOT REALLY), I WANNA CLING ON TO IT.....
I GAVE UP ON PIANO(DIDN'T DARE TO TAKE THE EXAMS)....GAVE UP ON HIGHER CHINESE(MY CHINESE IS TOO POOR)....
SO I DID NOT GIVE UP ON DANCING, SWIMMING AND FRENCH.....AND OTHER PURSUITS.....
WHEN PEOPLE ARE WEAK IN STUDIES AND NEED A LOT OF HELP, PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY ARE NOT INCLINED, THEY HAVE OTHER TALENTS.
WHEN PEOPLE ARE WEAK IN MATHS OR SCIENCE OR BOTH AND THEY NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION, PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY ARE GOOD AT OTHER THINGS.
WHEN PEOPLE FAIL ALL SUBJECTS, PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT THEY ARE JUST LAZY.
NOW, I AM WEAK IN MATHS AND SCIENCE, AND I DIDN'T FAIL ALL THE SUBJECTS....
EVEN IF I FAILED MATHS AND SCIENCE, AND I GOT DISTINCTION FOR ENGLISH AND CHINESE, I GET DISSED AND INSULTED....WITH THE WORD ''RETARDED'''....OR STUPID OR LOW-ABILITY.....
THE THING IS, I CAN ACCEPT REALITY....BUT WHY THIS DOUBLE STANDARD?
IN SEC 1 AND 2, I WAS GOOD IN HUMANITIES AND LANGUAGES.....
BAD IN MATHS AND SCI(NEEDED HELP FOR THIS PART)....AND MY PARENTS WILL ALWAYS DISS ME OFF ETC.
BUT IF SOMEONE IS FAILING ALMOST EVERYTHING, MY PARENTS WILL SAY THAT HE/SHE IS LAZY.....
THEN, EVEN IF HE/SHE GETS HELP FOR EVERYTHING, HE IS JUST LAZY, NOT UNINTELLIGENT.....AND, THAT IS DESPITE HIS/HER SUB-STANDARD GRADES AFTER HELP
THIS DOUBLE STANDARD NEVER FAILS TO PISS ME OFF...
AND EVEN MORE, MY PARENTS SAID I WAS SO WEAK IN MY STUDIES THAT CHARACTER EDUCATION WAS NEGLECTED....
THEY FAIL TO SEE THE POINT:
1. TELL ME NOT TO GO HOME LATE AT NIGHT IN CASE I GET INTO A SERIOUS FIGHT OR SOMETHING.....
2. THEN WHY DO I GET BULLIED SO OFTEN IN SCHOOL, EVEN PHYSICAL ATTACKS IN THE PAST, BUT THEY NEVER CAME TO MY RESCUE?
WHY SHOULD I BE A GOOD GIRL? MY STUDIES AND CHARACTER ARE INTER-LINKED.....
BUT THE SITUATION AT HAND IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEY THINK....
IF I HAVE GOOD CHARACTER, MY GRADES WILL BE BETTER.....
MY CHARACTER TURNED BAD....SO MY GRADES ARE BAD AS WELL.....
EVEN NOW.....
CAUSE NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS....
AND THEY FAIL TO REALISE....
I DON'T NEED COUNSELLING....I NEED TO WIPE OUT THE NEGATIVITY, WITH SOME DRUGS MAYBE?BECAUSE I AM TOO DISTRACTED BY THE NEGATIVITY....AND THEY KEEP PILING ON SOME MORE NEGATIVITY, SAYING THAT I CANNOT ACCEPT THE TRUTH....
SERIOUSLY, SINCE I AM SO STUPID IN YOUR EYES, I MAY AS WELL GIVE UP STUDYING COMPLETELY!!!!
WHY THEY KEEP SAYING THAT I SHOULDN'T MESS AROUND, IN CASE I GET AIDS, BUT WHEN I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION, THEY DON'T CARE?
AND YET THEY CALL ME STUPID......
THEY KEEP SAYING BE FRIENDLY, WHEN PEOPLE ARE PREJUDICED....
ITS IRONIC ISN'T IT?
I AIN'T BAD, ITS THAT I AM REACTING TO SITUATIONS....
I WENT TO A POLY INSTEAD OF JC, JUST SO THAT I CAN DO REBELLIOUS THINGS....
AND THE WORST THING? EVEN RETARDS HAVE THEIR PRIDE...THEY MAY NEED HELP....LET'S SAY WITH HOUSEHOLD CHORES, BUT THEY WANT TO DO IT THEMSELVES AFTER THEY ARE BEING TAUGHT MULTIPLE TIMES....THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE DISSED AS AN INTELLECTUALLY-DISABLED PERSON.
MY MUM FAILS TO UNDERSTAND THIS....i admit that i initially looked down on intellectually-disabled persons....and i tried very hard to change that...now, i am a lot better....and i still hate myself...cause' sometimes when i look in the mirror, i hate what i see....sometimes, i think i look like an anime character....that includes my figure and looks....
AND YES, VERY OFTEN, PEOPLE WHO SEEK HELP, REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT THEY HAVE RECEIVED HELP.AND THUS, IF I EVER HELP SOMEONE, I REFUSE TO TAKE CREDIT. I DON'T WANT MONETARY GIFTS. BUT I WANT COMPANY AND FRIENDSHIP IN EXCHANGE FOR HELP....ITS THAT SIMPLE....
AND I HAVE BEEN OBSESSIVELY TAKING IQ TESTS AND WONDERING IF I HAVE DOWN SYNDROME AND WONDERING IF I SHOULD GO TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL....
TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, I BEHAVE WEIRDLY IN REAL-LIFE COMPARED TO MY INTERNET PERSONA.....
CAUSE I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE....
tell me....
on the lighter note, my skills in auditionsea has been improving....slowly and steadily....but i am still very noob at it....
but at least i managed to chain sometimes....like x2 to x3 perfect combos.....and at least 7-16 ''perfect'' indicators/gradings per game?
depending on the speed....
my score for fast songs has improved to 100k....from 40-50k....for the 120 and above bpm songs?
and i think the movie outing was a bad idea, at least for me....
i behaved weirdly....
and i did not socialise much....
cause' i felt weird just hanging out with friends of friends.....unless they are super-friendly.....but the karaoke outing with another friend was awesome!!!
and i am usually not scared of horror movies.....like scream 4, drag me to hell and the roommate....fear is all in the mind, all in the brain....
but when i went out in a big group, i suppose, i was hoping to grab someone's arm and hold it tightly when i am scared?
i should have brought along my bf(no bf, single).....or i should have brought along a potential bf.....damn....and when my friend or fb friend or whatever, held a contest for most popular guy/girl...or most attractive looking guy or girl, i didn't dare to join in...cause' i think i would get 0 votes from the guys!!!!!i feel so miserable.....
very confused now, cause' someone keeps saying that he wants to be my bf and says that he would want to get married in a few years time...i told him to shut up and find another girl....seriously, this is a big joke!!!!i cannot stand it!!!and i am feeling frustrated with everything....
why do i keep bringing up basic french and use it as a basis of comparison to gauge my abilites against other people? its unfair, but i feel so fucking stupid....that i have to use this......because other people may suck at basic french totally, but they may be better at other aspects of studying.....and what's the point of complimenting me when i can grasp a concept fast, only to diss me later, when i realise i don't know a lot of other concepts...?
and i decided on a poly so that i do not have to keep up a school's reputation and put up a facade.....cause' i realise, my facade is fading off...my nice facade....and my mean side is showing.....
initally, when i was sec 1-2, i was a genuinely nice person....but the persona turned into a mask, as i realised that other people also used ''disguises...''and i realised how cruel the world could be....
i don't want to look down on people, or compare myself to them, making them feel inferior in the process....i really don't want to......

Stuck here at7:54 PM