A Black & White Movie

fucking busy....falling sick all the time....in sec school, i fell sick due to stress....when i handled 3 jobs, or handled 1 job,6 days a week, 8-10 hours a day, i couldn't handle it and fell sick....i am not born to be hardworking....i must strategise...studying must be like a marathon....run then walk....then rest then run again.....not like a constant non-stop sprint.....or i will fall ill again.....i think i am going to fall sick again...endless projects....no matter where u go, u may feel stressed....
1. u may be trying to maintain ur ''position'', or get into uni...
2. u may be aiming for the next rung/ladder, or a better ''position...''
maybe poly to uni etc.
sometimes, i feel fucking stupid.
as in, if i were taking a level, i would be taking advanced level english n chinese etc.
right now, i really wish that the teacher would expedite the teaching process of the french language......then sometimes, i feel kind of lost.....basic french, not french o or a level.....
i think, this is a motivation for ppl to work hard: get into uni, or get top 10% for psle, so that they can take o level french.
i suck, and i am definitely not the top 10%, and at that point in time, i could not insist and argue that i can cope, even if i can't.
at this point in time, the teacher thinks i can pass this level as well....of french......the good thing is, my mum is not going to say things like:''you can't cope...'' anymore.....cause' maybe i am old enough...and i gave up a lot for this subject.....or module.....and my results for french and other stuff are not too bad yet...YET......
i think, maybe i shouldn't continue, but mum says that i should...and the teacher said that i cannot have the mindset which is: if i fail, so be it.....
the thing about languages, if it is not something like higher chinese, or higher english etc., i generally do fine.....teachers will not put me down etc. in fact, i may be considered a high-scorer in that area.
at the end of the day, i am looking for the certificate, not so much about acquiring the language ability....i think that the only way to prove that i am actually half-decent in chinese is to show that i actually had a 'distinction' in oral.......on my certificate....or nobody would believe me....during presentations and oral exams, i ace them. but i can't do sales for shit. maybe i can impress the big bosses and super-intellectuals rather than the common folk.....no offence.
okay, my english sucks now. i am out of practice. i have never written any essay for a long time.....and of course, i seldom speak chinese.......
guess what? today, my sim just got pregnant....then she gave birth shortly after, to a baby girl....i feel stupefied!!!!wow......when i didn't play the game, the game probably was on auto-mode....all the time......
luckily, i finished the bulk of my assignments....still many tests coming up.....
no time to go and see lovelorn guy....i thought he had very unique eyes.....like very thick double eyelids with anime eyes....which appeared like no double eyelids at all.....ironic right?
mum said that we would change our mindsets about our future occupations or career pathways.....
but i get more radical instead of conventional when it comes to thinking:
1. i used to think that i would like to be a ballerina, singer, baker etc.nurse.....when i was around 7-9 years old.
when i was 11-12, i thought that maybe i would become an air-stewardess or model.
15? game programmer or game master of a game.
17? pole-dancer? trance-artist(DJ?like DJ sammy or don't tell me that i need a sound-engineering dip/degree?)?
game programmer, as usual......for first person shooters.
lots of blood and gore.
heavy-metal screamer....like chester bennington.
whats next? nuclear warfare? biological warfare?
if i can get a degree, i would rather get a few degrees....i have so many interests.
my life revolves around games and music. can't survive without them. and mum dismisses my abilities all the time....so i can't say i am proud of her collaboration with a ''famous superstar...''.....as a last resort, i will stick to waitressing or get qualifications in tourism and hospitality. (no offence)....because it seems like one of the easiest job to me....compared to programming, or other occupations...if u can walk properly, react fast....its more about EQ than anything else....when i acted in a school play, she dismissed my acting skills. so i dismiss hers too....as well as singing....
we like to sing, dance and act....and of course, we dismiss each others' skills and talents, or lack thereof all the time.
i suck at dancing.....played auditionsea when i was 11 years old....so i decided to join dance as a cca when i was 13 in sec school.....within a blink of an eye, 4 years had passed....17 years old: played auditionsea again...and danced like a madwoman in ''freestyle mode'' whenever i go to clubs or parties, with gyrating and ''booty'' shaking....thinking of joining dance as a cca......but, the thing is, i think my dancing sucks too much, and clubs who are not so selective may accept me, but the thing is, i am not very interested.....the different types of dance are very distinct between the ccas......chinese dance, indian dance, malay dance, contemporary, bboys....etc.
there are always what-ifs in your head(not talking about excel what-ifs):
1. what if i am still in the science stream.....
2. what if i am in a jc?
3. what if i am still involved in dance as a cca?
4. what if i work as a sales person?(no way!)
but anyway, i am involved in community service projects nowadays.....and i swim once a week, freestyle, frogstyle, backstroke etc. due to my s&w module.....and i generally try not to regret my decision, after all, we could always ''switch back'' if we were to take a 2nd diploma or get a degree....and we could always join a cca....and going to a poly may be a blessing.but with all the bitching going around, i wonder about other polys....and wonder if jc people have so much time to bitch about people they hardly know a thing about.....and dancing is like computer programming...dancing wildly like a madwoman in a club is fun, but to take up dancing requires commitment and hardwork.....etc. talent is preferred......computer programming is not as easy as gaming, for most people, although, it is noted that i suck at games, unless u are talking about plants vs zombies or runescape(level 52-56?) or sims 3....(duh)....i guess community service is quite meaningful...
whatever choices i made, i have to accept them......and also, since i made my bed, i have to lie in it....
well, i forgot to choose it. i reckon i will forget to choose my next elective, and i will not get to take jap or spanish(french is an optional one, there is an elective that i can choose, besides french, which is compulsory...like languages, or IT etc.)....instead, i will end up with some other module...:/ arrgh!!!computer is lagging, cause' i installed too many games....it is high time for an upgrade....
i bet lovelorn boy is giggling with his female pals....as usual.....can't read his mind.....so why should i play along with his games?
writing is a form of catharsis. who cares if anyone reads my blog?
but there are pipe dreams that i can never achieve....
1. get multiple degrees from prestigious universities
2. become multilingual
3.earn a million bucks
4. own landed properties
5. make friends from all over the world
6. hone many talents and interests, and in the process of my pursuits, discover international stardom....
7.meaningful charity work
but who says that i cannot dream?
i daydream all the time, and i feel like the undead, alive but not really living....sometimes, when people speak to me, i feel like i am in a trance.....
i prefer to be proficient at at least 3 languages, and pursue other stuff....don't get me wrong, it is not that i hate children or anything.
i do interact with them and stuff.....
but the thing is, i am not the kind of stay at home mum, or the kind of study-->get married-->have kids-->grow old.....
don't accuse me of being selfish.....doing community service is one thing, lifetime goals, dreams and wishes are another thing.....
so don't impose your expectations on me........
i may not want to get married, because i will feel trapped and suffocated......may not want to have children....u may think that i am selfish and have more money to spend that way....but i can just pursue my dreams and help out in charity work....i don't want that boring life, that i am experiencing now. heck, i don't even want to be an introvert. i am socially awkward, and i am forced to be one....i like people who bring out my extrovert and party-animal side....u may say that its not the real me, but i am happier that way.....we get to choose the life we want to lead...why let society's norms dictate u and force you into a mould which u have to conform to?

Stuck here at9:07 AM