A Black & White Movie

life is a series of what-ifs.....i really have got to stop feeling sorry for myself......stuck in a rut all the time, stuck with my emotional conundrums......
i guess, i am 2 points away from nanyang jc....maybe just 2 points and i will just meet the cut-off....and although i keep saying that i will never go to a jc, and be a goody-2-shoes ever again, that thought never eludes my mind, that is, the series of what-ifs.......anyway, no matter what i say, i think its the bomb.....i know i will never match up to my uni-degree parents......and my aunt said that back then, nanyang jc was kind of easier to enter.....i wonder if there are other cases of uni-degree parents and children/a child who won't match up.....i decided that i do not want to be the goody-two shoes i was in the past......my mum is plain silly to think that academic focus had neglected my character development. plain wrong......
and i had some trauma to the ''ahem'' when i was 11-12, so thats why i keep wondering if my figure is weird, is it ok and stuff like that......i wonder if i eat properly, or if my genetics are not fucked up, would i have a anime or barbie figure? seriously, nobody will want to do anything of that nature to me.....so, its stupid, that late night thing.....
and i keep thinking that naomi neo has the ideal figure.....she may complain and everything, but c'mon!
and some idiot asshole keeps messaging me despite my repeated attempts to shoo him away.......he deleted me from his friend list, still messaged me to grouch about his greviances. gosh, i have people like that.
my english is super-atrocious.....and it gets worse everyday.....and i know language is an exposure thing+talent+self-acquisition....+practice or tuition and stuff.....but one opportunity i will miss, is to improve my english and chinese standard. my english and chinese standard will fall below people who are in JC and TALENTED in languages.......noted, some jc people may not have a good command of the languages......i may not have a good command either. but i don't have the opportunity to increase my proficiency of english and chinese.....no wait, i do. but the difference is, if i am studying for the exams, the pressure to increase my proficiency will be greater......so technically, my english and chinese will always be stuck at o level standard.....it will never be the same as jc peeps. cause', how do i know what they learn in jc? i may improve my english standard and chinese standard, but its not the same thing.
and so many projects....and a different kind of busy.......always continous assessments all the time....small tests at 5% which add up. if i focus too much on these, i will get a burnout in no time....the whole system is stupid.....
and the finding a bf in real-life thing, probably relates to xiaxue.....if i say i cannot find a bf in real-life, its not the truth, and it will certainly anger some people, as well as make some people think, hmm, its the truth......
but the mutual attraction thing never worked for me.....because, u may like someone, someone does not like u back, and vice versa.
ps. i thought as i opened up, i found the mutual attraction thing in poly.....as i made more friends and stuff.....
i feel very embarassed to be single sometimes....when a lot of people are going out on dates....but when i date, i feel very stifled by any form of commitment.....
so, the attraction came in the form of lovelorn guy.......i feel the whole thing is shit.......
and i am getting tummy fats and all mum can do is talk about it.....may consider liposuction......
and i have evaded all the shitty guys for now, so there is this guy who told me to flaunt my figure.....or lack thereof......
but i still pity myself....sadly, for not being smart enough, pretty enough, having a nice figure, having enough friends, and having so many suitors who i am interested in......not happy with life, and constantly wishing for more......
cannot stop buying winter clothing either....and i better print the damn thing!!!!!!
fuck u....i wanna leave this house.....and stay at some other place, at the park or a hotel or a chalet....for fun......i feel so trapped and stifled and i feel like a baby...technically, since i am older, i should be ''mature'', yeah right....
but the kind of maturity i am looking for is in the form of getting more tattoos, piercings, being of legal age to drink, and spending the night outside......
fuck u for belitting me and thinking so little of me....
the best is that i don't get a diploma....since, u keep saying insulting things about me.....
i rather do waitressing, or work in the f&b industry right away, and show that i am fully capable and independent, and i can support myself...FUCK U.
u always think that i cannot do an IT diploma, because i am not inclined, and i may fail out all my modules....fair enough, but i am sick of blindly following trends.....why should i follow the conventional way? why should i take maths, science, english, chinese at the psle just because i am supposed to? why i can't take other subjects?
why i can't do things which goes against the societal norms?
a part of me would like to see lovelorn guy, but he bitched about me i bet......and this time, its not about romance.......for a person who likes fuck buddies, what do u expect?
i always hoped that if i never got to achieve my dreams, at the very least is, people will see on my fb profile: popular girl with pictures taken together with big groups of friends, pretty, and people thinks that she must be a smart-ass.....etc.
i am a frivolous air-head......but nb cb. i had enough. i am not going to let people make my reputation, i am supposed to make my own reputation. why should i be dictated by insignificant people who think that my reputation is based solely on what they say? stupid, ugly, figureless or any negative traits amplified by them?
i rather be sexy but sleazy, smart but arrogant, pretty and narcisstic even if they are negative traits, because they are not demeaning to oneself, or humiliating....instead it is a form of flattery,albeit in a twisted negative way....i rather be known as rebellious teen, angsty teen, drinking teen etc.
pesky idiots who think name calling and reputation making is so fun......tests coming up again, and i don't know how....surely i must settle assignments and project work before preparing for my tests.....
and c'mon, shut-up please.....i don't want to hear about ur pursuits in the world of acting, u alrdy got a degree, i have nothing.
i should be the one yearning to pursue showbiz, that would be quite an achievement in lieu of a degree....shit u. BECAUSE, TO U A DEGREE, IS THE MAGUS OPUS....THE PINNACLE, THE PRIME.THE STATUS SYMBOL WHERE U HAVE ARRIVED.
i HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING TO MY NAME. NO MONEY, NOTHING.
so, i will keep on striving, for a chance in the showbiz world if there are no negative impacts. i will join a singing competition, a very small-scale one in a cc, and hope that my voice does not betray me.....
and for those who are failing in sec school, they may have made a comeback and surprisingly done well in o levels....whereas, for polytechnic life, cumulative gpa means u can't possibly reverse what u have done.....
people who do badly have an option to go overseas.
i never had any options in my life, period.
and i am sick of hi-bye friends....seriously will stop entertaining those people, unless they bother to even make small-talk. otherwise, its akin to talking to a stranger.......i thought, if i had nothing,at least if i had a good figure....but some retard made a really rude and depreciating comment about my figure...and i am a dumbass to actually believe what he said.....i only want to believe the good stuff, but fail miserably.....
and what the fuck?
people are alrdy at the stage of i break up and move on, but i alrdy had a good r/s with u...alrdy for a few years.
or at the stage of, i meet ur parents, u meet my parents, and guess what? we even go to each others' relative houses.
but where i am? countless flings and very short-lived r/s.....
and mum is still like focus on your studies.....what gives?
u can date, no wait, don't date. wait, date.....don't get distracted.
yea, go uni find stead.
then if don't go uni, then how?
and i have lost interest in dating by then.
and some dating agency or matchmaking agency by then?
yucks. i would rather be single for life.
why can't i snag someone and last till my 20s and 30s.
time is ticking.
i can't wait.
neither can whoever is stalking me wait.
the whole thing is utterly stupid.
i bet he wouldn't wait.
and it has been a year.....
and if he could wait, i may not be able to wait.
and if we both could wait, there is an obvious disapproval, and the matchmaking ''i help u find a doctor bf''....for god's sake! no! u actually fucking said that, then say focus on studies first....
no way will i let u matchmake me......i don't want a doctor bf....but if i happen to find one whom i like, maybe.
but no fucking way. ur plan is to matchmake me, to plan this path for me and make my life more fucking miserable.......being pigeon-holed into the educational pathway is bad enough. in the world of romance and love, i don't care.
i have my eyes open. and my heart is set on fire.
gosh, i don't want your life. i don't want to lead the life you lead.
thats why i keep veering and steering away from it.....the more distinct, the better. love cannot buy you bread....''ai qing bu neng mai mian bao''....but i will still find a way.....i mean, the service industry is not so reliant on qualifications, more reliant on intra-personal skills and the EQ level of the person. so it is easier to succeed in this line, even if u do not have very high-qualifications.
and wtf, people bring their bf/gf home to meet their parents, what did i do? on the 2nd day, i brought 2 guys to the chalet....one is poly romantic interest/awkward r/s after i decided that ben ben blocked my calls, and okay....there is no going back....the other is kind of friends, easygoing person.
what happened? u guys were having a good time, occasionally. what can u do when parents are around? and u guys did not even smile or pose for the cameras for god's sake....if u consider me ur romantic interest, and agreed to go for the chalet, can't u at least enjoy yourself? do u know how fucked up it is?
on the first day, i brought my sis to the chalet.....
on

Stuck here at4:45 AM