A Black & White Movie

what i fucking want to say right now, is fuck this shit.....
i act cocky and arrogant and mean and bitchy in front of some idiots who think it is so fun to badmouth other people all the time.....so, i ignore them, walk with dignity and pride, with my head held high...although i say heck care them, i am still bothered.
because the friends i have say that they don't know me, so they may judge. right. however, if they are not badmouthing me=major lie.....
because my life does not depend on them.....my manager thinks i'm ok, my co-workers think i am ok...i act professional, polite and unfriendly when it comes to horrid people. i don't need horrid people in my life....so i shut out all these nonsense.
music and gaming is my form of escapism.
i really wish that i can get a degree in game programming.....
if i were to choose engineering, it would be sound engineering all the way!!!!
i wish i can try out NS...good pay for women(rumour).....
and i wish that i can do bike stunts....and other cool stuff like wakeboarding.....
i try my best in groupworks despite knowing that i suck.....
its ridiculous when people alienate you, then assume that you are an introvert.......
but i discovered that i can be very nice or very mean a long time ago....
anyway, ''rehab'' by rihanna describes the ben ben situation going on.... ''you were using me in a different way that i was using you''.....i was using him as an emotional crutch, a friend that could support me when the world crumbled down.....and i liked him for his looks, his height, his personality....his size....literally everything about him....i thought he understood people.....i thought he was very eloquent.....
i think the mixture of smartness and childishness was an appeal.....
and as for him, i don't know what he is using me for???
but i think for experimental purposes......
and we have both hurt and humiliated each other......
since he called me ugly and i said hurtful stuff about him.....
that's why i don't fucking know what to do......
especially......when he decides to come back after blocking my calls....
is it love or possession? control freak?
coveting something you can't have?
just call my number or sms me. duh!
now, to the elephant in the room.....
i sang to people who can give me honest, yet unhurtful opinions.....
remember the burger rule......nice comment, horrid comment, nice comment to top it off.......like a burger bun....so, u still feel good but u get the constructive criticism at the end of the day......
and after 1 year-2 years of impromptu karaoke singing, i think i am ready......
my voice does not waver as much or crack anymore.....i can hold a tune, go high or low.....
so, there is this singing contest.
however, will i be humiliated/embarassed?
will i get stage fright?
will i forget the lyrics?
will my mum sign the consent form for minors below 18? no.
i don't know why this damn contest had to put in a clause for people below 18, needing parental consent.
a friend offered to sign the form and pose as my guardian.
but i said no......in case there are background checks or something/...
so obviously, this is seriously not meant to be..............
maybe i can wait till i'm 18....
and i will get all my homework done and projects done and i will be a good girl for a while?
and i swear i won't break into a sweat.....i swear i will leave you spellbound.....i swear i won't suck like two cats drowning in a pail of water, like i did, 2 years back.....
ps. an update:
i think an elderly couple greeted me in the lift today.....''good morning, are you going to work?''
huh? seriously, do i look like i am going to work?
i look like a confused kid.....
i think i know.....the situation......the ben ben situation.....has escalated to this....
and the heart can be deceitful.....
but what did i write wrongly about gross and crude sex which had to make you go :''wtf!!!!''
sometimes, the modules are hard, sometimes they are easy.....
however, there are times in life where i go:'' let me fail or dropout....'' there are times when i tell myself to hang on!!!!that everything will get better.....
then probably i will go on to jc, or go overseas, or go ite, or work, or take a private course.....or i may get my lucky break.....
there was a point in time where i wanted to end my life....
i tried cutting myself->too painful plus i didn't have the guts
tried buying sleeping pills->not available in pharmaceutical stores
well, the rest of the options are inconceivable....and suicide is not an option.....
poison pills->side effects
other kinds of things are plain nasty....so i decided to give up my suicide attempt.
if some pretty,rich, smart, popular girl starts doing something silly.....i think its utterly stupid!
to me, she has everything that i don't have....
plus, i have health problems and other issues......
i hate it WHEN PEOPLE THINK MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN THEIRS....
THEY ARE FUCKING OBLIVIOUS TO THE OBVIOUS, AND THE NON-OBVIOUS.
the obvious part is getting ostracised. u never got ostracised, so stfu.
i don't have a car, or a bungalow, or even a condo.....
maybe u have one of these things......
and i may be worse or better than u, but life is not a bed of roses.
people have called me ugly. stupidity? haha.
i think people like me are the ones who usually cannot take everything in life and wanna end it all, not the one who is the queen bee in school!!!!!not the one who has everything going well for them....
fuck anyone who says otherwise.
i have nothing in my life....seriously.
except maybe someone who i can spend a lifetime with=bf/husband? right now or one day?family? and that is good enough for me....
but if some imbecile has to come and say that i am luckier than them, then really shit on you.....
so, in secondary school, if u envied my educational pathway, then don't you know the difficulties i faced? u don't know the behind-the-scenes thing.....
if you envied people who go to top JCs, don't you know the difficulties some of them face?
but if you go to a top JC, you don't face difficulties, and you are complaining about this very issue, then fuck you!
if you bully others, then complain, ''why am i the popular girl who is adored, yet i have to keep up this facade,'' then fuck you.
cause' i am at the other end of the spectrum. and it is not pretty.
i would gladly exchange roles with you, seriously.....if you are a fucking popular girl who complains about life......
i would gladly exchange my life with some top scientist in the world, just to see how is it like......but he wouldn't want to do that.....i am trying to understand the expectations people face.....
popular=keeping up facades, fake plastic smiles
smart=lots of pressure to do well.....
unpopular=miserable life
stupid=teased a lot?
so, i am looking AT A FAIR PERSPECTIVE. AT BOTH ENDS.....
BUT IF A SMART PERSON CAN BULLY OTHERS, THEN DON'T VICTIMIZE YOURSELF. DON'T COMPLAIN, OR COMMIT SUICIDE.i hate your hypocritical side, and i want your deeds exposed, asshole.
because a smart person may complain about being smart and the pressures he/she faces....stupid person complains about being stupid and the lack of opportunities in life.
i accept that. but don't bully others.......or you are a two-faced snake.....
but whether i am smart or stupid, it is my own business.
if you are not my parent or teacher or groupmate or boss or lover or bf or friend who is angry at the consequences of any stupid thing that i have done, then who are u to comment? the grass is always greener on the other side......no offence. i may lose your potential friendship or whatever.....u may even hate me......in the first place, or choose me as your target for taunting.....but i don't give a shit about you.
i shut you out of my world. you don't exist. enuff said.
but my own parents put me down as well...useless,stupid,idiotic, incapable etc.
teachers, peers, the whole world.
but the working environment has been good......good manager and boss and coworkers....so far....for this workplace.....
and some people have some things, and they do not have other things.
you may be good at singing, but not at writing.
but how come, mine's all linked....?!
bad health, very high fever with asthma or some other illness--> brain damage and not enough oxygen in my brain--> stupid-->problems processing information, such as numbers, languages, musical keynotes, acquiring new talents and skills-->hardly any social life--> unhappiness-->stress-->bad health......
sometimes, people don't understand. okay, so u think i am tone-deaf in singing. but somehow, i need to convince myself that i have some talent, to make myself feel better....because i have been put down badly in other areas.....
i need to fucking tell myself i'm good in languages......although if u have constant exposure, practice, tuition, help from long long ago, donkey years back........thats not a real talent......
actually, no, scratch that, i don't care if i have no talents.
all i want to be with........i seriously don't know....why the person i liked so much has to be the same person who feels like a drug....with negative and positive effects.
trying to wean myself off, but failing miserably.....
and i listen to people's advice.....thats why i am not getting into another r/s, cause' i only have that guy in my heart.
but i cannot approach him, cause' he is a drug, he has humiliated me, i want him for all the wrong reasons, parents do not approve,friends advise against it, and he has a lot of female friends, and i think he is kind of dirty-minded, and i am a commitment-phobic,and he is not the person i thought he was....and i still feel that i am the one with emotions.......
ps. haha, luckily i never lent the person who made me a joke along with some other people a stapler!bitch! i can be selfish since he is so mean!

Stuck here at11:19 PM